Get Out of That Well

    I'm on a mountain top.


    I am not writing this to make you feel even deeper in a pit if you are in one but to encourage you that if you keep reaching out in what feels like pitch black darkness eventually you will find the rope God has thrown down to you. If you are standing up in the bright sunshine with the Lord look around. There might be a well with a rope thrown in. Grab on and pull you brothers and sisters out of there. You're either in the well, at the bottom on your knees, reaching out or climbing up OR you are out of the well in awe of your Lord.

    People ask me often how I have been doing since the big day in February when I nearly met my maker. To tell you the truth had God's will gone the other way I would have been happier than I could have imagined shortly before this trip. I could have been in eternity with my Lord and saviour, brother, Father and friend. I can't wait to see Jesus face to face. Like a bride on her wedding day standing before her bridegroom. Her veil lifted and they embrace with eager anticipation of the life that is about to be had. Oh how I long for that day when I meet him.

     But I am still here. And for that I am not sad to stay. I am forever grateful to Him that he is willing to wait for me until I am not needed here anymore. I feel the embrace of my husband throughout the day and see the kind eyes of my children gaze up at me and I wonder at this.

    James has always been my go-to book when there are hard trials coming my way or in my way. And I always come out strengthened by it. In my life Joy has always been the thing I have craved and longed for. I was incredibly sad in my teen years, entered into motherhood early only to find more sadness out of lack of confidence, have felt distant from God intermittently throughout my walk with Him, have struggled hard with my husband (as is normal), have longed sinfully for times in my life that were more fruitful and fulfilling, and even fell into despair not too long ago. Joy is what I have been longing for all of my life. So everytime I feel this way I turn to James and read through it. Often several times. And every time the same message pops out: Trials are joy. Testing makes you persevere. Perseverance leads to perfection and completion in Christ. Trials are joy. Trials are joy. That's James 1:2 for you. The same message comes up in 1John 4:12 too.

    As a Christian, we should never fall into despair. It's easy to throw that word around though isn't it. Recently we had a girls Anne of Green Gables marathon and Anne would throw this word around flippantly, "I'm in the depths of despair." This isn't a true depiction of this word. Despair is not being with God anymore. Having no hope. I remember in recent months weeping on the floor many times feeling like I was truly in the depths of despair. I felt that if I were to die at this moment I would suffer for eternity in Hell and the mere thought of this drove me lower and lower. I was face down on the bottom of a deep dark well with no hope or thought of a rope. God wasn't going to throw me one and no one else was picking me up.

      It was all a fallacy. I can see that very clearly now that I am standing upright. God loves me. He did not abandon me. I abandoned him. I continued in my prayer and study during this time but decided God was never going to help me.

Lies
       Lies
              Lies

       James 1:13 tells us he does not tempt us. God wasn't tempting me to turn from him. James 4:4 says when we love the world God becomes jealous of the spirit which he put in us. I was succombing to the sin in my life and he was jealous for my spirit. James 4:7 tells us to resist Satan and he will flee. Come near to God and he will come near to you. I wasn't resisting the lies Satan was fusing deep into my soul. How could I come closer to God? After this, in James 4:9 he goes on to tell us "grieve, mourn, and wail, change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up. HE WILL LIFT YOU UP...out of that well. You won't even need the rope. He'll scrape your limp weeping body up off the ground and place you up in the sunshine. That is how I got out. That's what it took to get out of the depth of despair.

     Life is full of trials. Peter reassures us of this in 1 Pet 1:6-7. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith...may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

     But the point of these trials should technically result in praise, glory and honour to Jesus. That is a genuine faith. Isn't that what we want? To have a genuine faith in Jesus? To give Him glory, honour, power, praise? Then we should endure our trials joyfully. But this doesn't mean put a smile on your face when your dog dies because you are supposed to supposed to be joyful. It means get your focus right. You should feel a peace in your heart when you're joyful in your suffering. This is persevering.

     For those on the mountaintop or just out of the well in the sunshine: You know this truth. You know that trial you just went through crafted you a little more into your true self coming closer to God. So it's your duty to help your brothers and sisters out. The end of Jude says Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy mixed with fear-hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

    Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12


    Lord thank you for the trials I have faced. Especially this last one. I love you more than life and although I can wait to see you I am really looking forward to you. 

I Will Give the Glory to God

My mind has been a bit of a mess this week. There has been a constant flurry of bible stories running through my mind. I've been meditating on which one I want to mimic and which one's my heart, soul and body have been mimicking.

There's the centurion from Luke 2 who came telling Christ that his servant was dying. He told Christ if he would just say the word he believed his servant would be well and there was no need for Christ to come. What did he feel like going home? Did he have every assurance that his servant would be well? 

Then there's David who when his first child was dying he fasted with his head to the ground for 7 days. (2 Sam 12:14-23) And then when the child died he got up, washed himself, changed his clothes, worshiped the Lord, ate something and carried on. 

I think about the countless times that the people of God mourn in their appearance by dressing themselves in clothing of mourning. 

Mary and Martha called for Christ when their brother Lazarus died. They waited and waited and waited. It took Christ 4 days to get to them. Mary cried out to him prostrating herself before him "Why didn't you come!" Clearly she had been in mourning those last 4 days. 

The one that I have meditated most on is when Christ is in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. In Matthew 26:39 it says And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." 

To tell you the truth I haven't been eager about this pregnancy. I've been waiting for time to get me excited about it. I kept telling myself, I will be excited eventually but for now I will not worry or be excited. I was a little complacent about the whole thing. This past Monday I had my first ultrasound scheduled. I was looking forward to it because I would probably be excited about the baby once I saw it for the first time. I was excited about becoming excited. As my 3 littlest ones watched the screen they were shortly after excused so a more thorough ultrasound could be done so they waited in the hall. I could see the news wasn't good news but the technician spoke in possibilities. She didn't see the baby but suggested it may be too early. This is when thoughts went rushing through my head. Not bad thoughts. More thoughts of hope. 

My midwife called the next day to tell me the pregnancy didn't look like it was viable. Still, there was that possibility that it could go the other way for the better. Should I act like the centurion who only needed to ask Gods word and his servant would be healed? Should I be like David who mourned his child while it's life was uncertain? Should I mourn the baby as Mary and Martha mourned Lazarus knowing in their hearts that he was dead? I wouldn't give in to the third at all. 

That night Whisper got the flu. I had heard of the flu going around for the second time in a few months and was hoping it wouldn't strike our home. I heard this strain was a very violent one. One that lasted days and was a constant flow of vomit. It takes so long  for a mamma to recoup after 5 kids going through the flu. Maybe that's why I myself haven't had it in years. I woke up to the sound of Whisper being sick. I hopped out of bed at first with an attitude of I may be about to have a miscarriage. What an inopportune time for the kids to be getting sick. I need someone to take care of me. How will I take care of my babes. I am going to be up all night and all I want to do is sleep. God had other plans. And I believe he let Whisper become sick to make me stronger. After that split minute moment of selfishness I thought to myself this is such a great time for me to cherish the babes I have in my arms.  I brought Whisper to my room, slathered her in oils to help fight the sickness, turned on the defuser with the same oils and slept with her on the couch. She threw up 3 times that night. I was expecting an all-nighter. Actually I slathered all of the kids with oils the next day. None of the other girls got sick. And even if they are yet to get sick, it won't have been all at once like every other time. The Lord is good. 

God puts trials in our lives so that we can be stronger. Whisper being sick could have been a why-me-wallow-in-my-own-misery type of trial but he wants us to take joy in our trials as James tells us. It's the joy in our trials that make us stronger. 

The next day or two, I can't remember it's been a blur has been that constant flow of thoughts but never giving up hope. Always praising God in the midst of a possible tragedy. Always thinking about Christ asking God to take this cup from him. Jesus still went to the cross because he loves us so much. If he hadn't loved us he would't have died for us. But I don't picture buddy Jesus taking up his cross at Calvary. I picture a man almost beaten to death but still hanging on so he can be the final sacrifice, tired, and in pain but I'm sure he was with his Father the whole time. I have been with the Father every moment of my waking days since Monday and it is such a wonderful feeling.  I have asked him to take this cup from me but if it is his will that the baby should die let His will be done and not my own. I have not been happy every moment, and I have sinned as I do every day but I have still been with God every moment. 

Today my body started to reject the baby we were praying for. Now sitting here writing this I feel pain as my body tries to flush what was once a living little person from my body. I am at peace about loosing our child. It is a painful thing to think about and have a lifeless person inside of you but the fact the s/he is gone means s/he is alive in heaven. Celebrating eternal life with his Saviour. It is sad for us here on Earth but what a wonderful thing for our child to experience. And s/he got there before I did. Lucky kid. 

Now that baby is gone, I am excited about the pregnancy. 

I mourn that.

That I did not glorify God while s/he was with us. But I will glorify God now that s/he is not.

Amen