Looking Back I Would Have Done it Differently

There's no doubt that I would do things differently if I could. There's also no use in regretting life. Without my life being as it was I wouldn't have the thing I have to offer young women as an encouragement to them.

Many women have a long list of great pieces of advice to share. I love listening to those lists. Those lists help me to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. Every Christian woman that I meet in my travels I always ask for their lists in one way or another. I have a list! It is a long list. I have lots of things I want to share. But my list is a little different. My list is a list of What-Not-To-Do's. I didn't get much right in the early years of womanhood. (My definition of womanhood is 13 and up)

Recently I had an opportunity to speak on a panel to some young women or to who most would call teenagers. There we some questions that were already prepared and the young ladies also had opportunity to ask their own questions and I was thrilled to be able to share my story with them. One of the questions was "What would you do differently looking back or what advice could you give these ladies." This is my favourite question IN THE WORLD!

Here it is:

I would have made better relationships. I would have challenged the ones I was in. Here are the specific relationships I would have worked differently on. I'll give you a bit of history on each one without showing any disrespect to each.

My Mother
For anyone who knew me when I was a teenager you would know that this was a tough relationship. I was very hard on my mom. I was very rebellious. Maybe it was because of the knowledge of life that I lacked but even if my mother would have had a desire to share her life experience with me I would have rejected it in an instant. I did not desire this relationship at all. I pushed her out of my life and sought what I needed from her elsewhere; I sought it in a sexually immoral relationship, I sought it in another woman who could play the role of my mother, I sought it in every act of disobedience I could think of including piercings, coloured hair, bad words, cutting...It's a wonder that my mother even continued pursuing our relationship. I'm not sure she was ready for such a tough kid. I don't think she was prepared to guide me away from this path I put myself on.

Ruth and Naomi had a really interesting start to their relationship together. Naomi was a Godly woman. That's something we can clearly see. She knows the Lord. But something interesting struck me as I was preparing to speak to these ladies. Ruth seeks out her mother in-law. Naomi doesn't say "Your husband has died. This is a terrible time of life for you and I want to care for you. I want to teach you everything I know and comfort you." No! She says "Ruth, go home. Go back to your people." What does Ruth say next? She begs Naomi to let her come with her. Naomi, again, tells her to go home. But Ruth is persistent. She wants to go with the woman she knows will nurture her. Naomi may not have been prepared to nurture this young widow. She must not have felt adequate. But Ruth persisted until Naomi said yes. Then the rest of the book we see her care for her daughter. Teach her how to do things. Make wise decisions for her and with her.

If I could do things again I would be persistent. I would seek my mother out and ask her questions she didn't know. I would ask her to teach me things and we'd wrestle through my thoughts, ideas, and problems together. I would have given her opportunity to teach me and to train me and to learn how to raise a young woman.

My Church
The more I read scripture the more I understand how important it is to have elders in authority over me so I am not just a free spirit able to do anything at my whim. Over and over scripture tells us the roles of elders in a Church and the reason for that is so the body is growing and healthy. We as members should feel comfortable to ask elders questions we don't know the answers to. We should bring them issues that need to be dealt with like Christ lays out in Matt 18:15-17 and then they shouldn't be afraid to deal with them.

Looking back I should have asked the church elders hard questions that were on my mind like "Why is sex before marriage wrong?" or "help me with my relationship with my mother." or "I'm cutting myself and need to stop. Help me."  But on the other hand, while I was sinning, no one approached me about that. And that may be in part because of our society today that makes certain topics awkward to speak about.

My advice to young people is to talk with your elders and pastor. Ask them what their role as leaders are. Is it mainly to keep the church organized or is it also to Shepard the sheep and practice biblical church discipline as Christ outlines it? Believe it or not I crave discipline. When I do something wrong these days, my desire is that someone would tell me if I haven't realized it. Proverbs 10:17 says that is good.

If you who are reading are ever looking for a church or are in a church where your elders are not practicing biblical truths, seek a church that will nurture you in your walk with God. Meet with elders, email lists of questions. Be in a healthy place (Note that if you are in a church, SPEAK WITH YOUR ELDERS ABOUT THIS BEFORE CONSIDERING LEAVING BECAUSE EITHER WAY THEY LOVE YOU AND MAY JUST MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE OF YOUR COURAGE TO SPEAK)

An Older Woman
I did not have a mentor when I was young. I did not seek a mentor when I was young. The closest thing I had to a mentor was my husband's mother whose relationship I cherished very deeply. She comforted me in a very difficult time in life. She loved me and I let her love me like a mother. I am deeply grateful for her love, support, and comfort that she showed me. It wasn't a mentorship though and I don't think it would have been appropriate for her to have been my life mentor just as your own mother shouldn't be your mentor to a certain degree. Sometimes the problems are with your own mother therefor you need someone to mentor you and guide you in what to do about that.

I understood the biblical principle of mentorship when I moved to Oregon. My very good friend who was ahead of me in life, almost to a T, by about 15 years agreed to mentor me. I'd like to note that I asked her to mentor me. I didn't wait for her to ask. And guess what? She was thrilled to say yes. Evey Monday she would make me a cup of tea, send all the kids to her backyard to play and let me spill everything that was going on in life. She helped me to be who I am today through Christ. If I had known this was something I was supposed to have, I would have had it looooong before Oregon. I moved back to Canada and realized I couldn't email her every time I needed advice because it was different and difficult not to be able to pray and cry to her. I needed someone here that I could do that with. I do have a mentor here as well now and I love her to pieces. A relationship with an older woman in the faith is so important. She may not have all the answers but she will try to get them, or at least work through them with you. The bible tells older women to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children. Go figure, it doesn't happen naturally. And why does an older woman in the faith need to have this role? Because it probably took them a long time to learn how to love their husbands and children just right :)



Life has been tough. And life continues to be tough but tough is what makes life worthwhile. James spends his whole book talking about how struggles form who you are in Christ. And the more you struggle the more genuine your faith becomes.(1 Pet 1:6-7) But God puts specific relationships in our lives for a reason. I wish I had grabbed them a long time ago but I am making up for lost time now.

The "It's not fair" Mentality of a Virtuous Woman

To tell you the truth, the statement in the title contradicts itself. Think of all the situations where you might declare "That's not fair!" Here are some:

• Kids all ran out of the kitchen after breakfast leaving mom to do all of clean up on her own. "That's not fair!"
• Guy speeds past you on the highway so you think you can go a little faster to find 2 mins later your being pulled over by a cop. "That's not fair."
• Your husband finishes work and there's still TONS of laundry to do, he kicks up his heals, puts on the TV while wifey is STILL working into the night..."That's not fair!"
• After 3 days of being up all night with one sick kid preparing yourself for a full nights sleep tonight you find out at 2 in the morning that the next kid is sick...or to make it worse 3 more kids are sick at the same time. "That's not fair."
• You look at another mother trotting around in heals, lipstick and a lovely countenance and think to yourself "Where in the world does she have time to smile let alone put lipstick on?" "That's not fair."

I'm sure you could come up with quite a few more. 

Well, yesterday I had a "That's not fair!" Moment although my pride would probably say otherwise. I never did udder the words "That's not fair." because I think those words are contrary to how we should be living our Christian lives but my attitude sure did say otherwise. 

Last year we attended a wonderful library program. Every week the kids would do a really great craft. Not the kind that you will just toss out or misplace but "gift worthy" crafts. Ones that have either all been given away as gifts or are still hanging around the house. Well this year I signed up the 3 older kids and we happened to miss the first class. I can't remember why. And then last week I completely spaced on it so we didn't make it either. But this week we were all ready to go and getting 6 little girls into a Kia Rondo is quite the task (1 girl is not mine). When we arrived, the librarian, whom is a very lovely lady, looked at me in surprise upon seeing me and told me I hadn't registered the kids and therefor couldn't stay this week so we would have to come next week. Clearly she was ticked off with me for not coming the previous two weeks but who was even more clear about being ticked was myself. And I made it known to all who were present. 

"Well, I thought I had signed them up for the whole summer just like last year." 

"Nope. You have to sign up every week."

"O...K...I'll sign them up for next week then."

The librarian asked me their names. "Jenny, Rainy, Pillar." Then she asked their ages. "9, 6 and 4." Right away the response was "Ah! 4 is too young" followed by a proud strong solid line crossed right through Pillar's name. Oh was I mad now. With eyebrows raised I said as short as I possibly could "OK. We'll be here next week then." No eye contact. Just a statement and off I went.

As the kids gaily dashed to the park to play I steamed my way over. As usual I can count on Jenny to try to boost my spirits when I'm clearly frustrated. She says "don't worry mom, we don't mind playing at the park today instead :)" What a sweet child. That's the kind of attitude Christ expects us to have in times of trial such as the one I was in.

As I sat on the bench contemplating what I was going to say when the craft was over and I had time to talk with the librarian I became more and more humble. First, I was going to wait until it was over to talk to her. Then I changed my mind and decided I would pull her aside during the craft. Then the thought came to mind that all the children and parents saw my "that's not fair" behaviour and therefor they also need to witness my setting things right and bringing glory to God in this situation. I knew what I had to do.

As Jenny watched the kids for a moment I went back into the building.  I apologized for everyone to see. Then I got her explanation. Last week, she was short on supplies and risking being late for the activity, Mme. ran back to her home to fetch just enough supplies for my children just to find out that I wouldn't show up...again. Of course she was short with me. Of course she demanded we sign up every week from now on. Of course her expectation of me had been let down, more than once and all of a sudden this "That's not fair" mindset dissipated. It was one of those moments of instant humility for me.

When is it ever okay to say "That's not fair?" For who? Aren't we living for God? So what does it matter if someone offends us, or if we have a little extra work to do, or if we don't look the way the perfect mom in high heels and lipstick looks. So what? Where is the focus? Have we put to focus on ourselves? Of course we have. And what is it called when the focus ends up anywhere other than God? IDOLATRY. We've made ourselves into little emotional hormonal idols when we pity ourselves because it isn't about God anymore.

Jesus teaches us how to stay away from this form of idolatry. He tells us to lay up treasures in heaven, not on earth. Our earthly things will be destroyed but our treasure in heaven will remain forever. (He's talking about our actions...Godly actions lead to goodly life...before and after death of the flesh) (Matt 6:19) He tells us in Matt 5:43-48 that we are to love those who don't treat us well because it's not up to us to make things fair. It's God's job to make things just. He'll take care of it. We don't need to worry about it. We just do the right thing. Isn't that what we teach our children? I tell my kids all the time "I'm the mom. Don't worry about being one yet. Make friendships with your sisters not rivalries." How about when Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek? When someone hurts you don't hurt them back, just know that God will do his work. (Matt 5:33-37)

Man I love the sermon on the mount. It makes life so clear. We just have to make an effort to meditate on Gods word day and night. (Josh 1:8) That doesn't mean read the Bible AAALLLLL day long. Every mother knows that's not possible but it is possible to remember God's commands AAAALLLLL day long. Remember God does not want us to have the "That's not fair" heart. He'll take care of things.


(Just want to be very clear that I was the one in the wrong in this situation. Some of these verses are specifically regarding people who do evil against you. In this case, it was my sin, not my friend's that caused me to feel "that's not fair".)

Home Sweet Home

Our family has just moved into an old home. And I mean an old home. The ceilings are slanted; there are cracks in the walls; every window lets in a cold draught; there are leaks in the rough coming in. All this said and I look at them all and smile. I love this home. It's an old farm house built in 1865 and it has wonderful character but along with that comes the joyful "burden" of repairs. I'm sitting here on an old and almost antique blue couch our pastor gave us, soaking in the natural warmth of the wood stoves, admiring the thick wooden beams in the ceiling and floor with the spiral staircase in front of me. I feel like a queen. But the only reason I can feel like this is because I have an amazing family to keep me company. Without them, this would just be an old house with foundation problems and a leaking rough. It would be a constant thing of worry and upkeep. Without them there is no way I could stare at water dripping in with a smile on my face knowing that everything will be okay.

I've been think about a series of verses lately. They are all different; some long, some short but they come back to the same thing over and over again in Deuteronomy. About following God's commands to love the Lord our God.

Deut 11:18-20

18 ²⁷"You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and ²⁸you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 19 You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 20 ²⁹You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,

It's funny how we are not bound by the law any longer, yet here is a beautiful promise made for His people to follow His law and yet the thing that is being stressed is the very thing Christ tells us to continue doing; Love the Lord your God. This is the great commandment and God is saying here, in the old testament, that "if you do this, you will prosper. I will give you riches and land."

I am not preaching the prosperity gospel right now...this is the promise he made to his people at this point in scripture. I do believe God can provide the money for us to get our roof fixed, foundation looked at, windows replaced, etc but that is not what he is promising me. He is promising me that if I 1 teach them to my children, talk of it when we are sitting in our house, and when we walk by the way, and when we lie down, and when we rise. 20 ^29and write them on the doorposts of our house and on our gates, then he will fulfill our needs. For me, being fulfilled means to be able to look at a leak coming into the house and smile. People think I'm crazy. There are 1000 things that people tell us need to be taken care of immediately but my "immediately" consists of 3 little girls; VERY soon to be 4 and a wonderful husband whom I adore more and more each day. This is the promise God has made to us. When we love him with all our hearts, souls, minds, strengths, he will bless our pants off...because he said so. He's a great Father and with him, we're home sweet home.

Considering a field in Suburbia

Proverbs 31:16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks

I've been thinking about this verse all day and what it means to consider a field. I'm not sure it's too practical these days to go out and consider a field. But what is a field? I've been wondering what are the fields in my life. What are the things that I consider? I think that's really what this is about. It's not that she is purchasing a field, it's the considering part. It doesn't say "she sees a really great deal on a field and buys it because it's a good buy" it says she considers it. I have the problem of just umping into things thinking they will just work out and convincing my husband it's a good idea. A lot of times this just causes a lot of extra hassel and waisted money. Not enough consideration is done before I just jump into these great ideas of mine.

This is the heart of this part of the passage. Being smart and considering what is best. I'd like to share a personal example of how this verse has worked in my life. Just because she considers it and buys doesn't mean our results should always end in the buy. I started a little home business with my friend while we were in Oregon last year. I bought a lot of supplies, made a lot of product, spent time and money to be vendors at craft sales and hardly anything came of it. Most of my product is stuck in Oregon because we couldn't afford to bring it back to Canada since it would take up so much space. It wasn't a wise decision. I thought I would continue to work on the business while here in Ottawa. I'd try to squeeze in a couple of hours of work on the computer trying to market online every day and this poor little computer just didn't want to chug along. It ended in a lot of frustration and waiting. It would take all day just to load a acouple of items online and there was a constant heaviness in me because I was anxious. (probably had a lot to do with the poor internet connection). I'd call Dan at work and tell him how frustrated I was that I couldn't get this thing going. There was a lot of waisted time and finally Dan said to me "you need to take a break from this stuff right now. I am going to work and support us and you don't have to worry about it." Now to some, this might come off as a controlling husband who doesn't let their wife do the thing they are working so hard at. This is not it at all. I saw it very much as an act of love and he was trying to spare me from all this frustration and freed me from feeling bound to getting this thing going and successfull. Thinking about this verse I realized I didn't consider my field. I just went out and bought it. Then we get to the next part of the verse.

She sets about her work vigorously and her arms are strong for her task. This is how vigorous is defined: 1. full of or characterized by vigor: a vigorous effort. 2. strong; active; robust: a vigorous youngster. 3. energetic; forceful: vigorous steps; a vigorous personality. 4. powerful in action or effect: vigorous law enforcement. 5. growing well, as a plant. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/vigorous . None of those words discribe how I went about my work on the website. I went about my work in frustration and anxiety. So not only did I not consider my field, I also didn't have vigor. I also didn't know what I was doing which contributed to the frustration. My hands were not strong for my task.

So our Proverbs 31 lady considered the thing she was about to endeavor on, she worked vigorously-did a great job-and knew exactly what she was doing. Her hands were strong for her task. She knew how to farm a field.

So, I still don't spend any time on the website I wasted hours on. But I believe that was, is and will continue to be a wise choice not to. The thing that I have considered is this blog; is preparing school for the girls and making sure I impress God's word on their hearts, talking about it when we walk along the road and when we wake up in the morning and when we go to bed (Deut 6:7); is studying scripture and sharing with friends I meet who's marriages hurt. These are the things I have considered. These are the things that I have vigor for. These are the things that I am strong in...or at least getting stronger at.

So what is your field? And are you doing it begrudgingly or because you have vigor for it? And are you good at it? Are you working hard at it? These are the things that need to be kept in the heart all the time. Is what you are doing really coming from God because I have a feeling, if you don't feel motivated to do it, if you aren't good at it, it you are full of anxiety about it, you may not have prayerfully considered it. Let Him live in you. There is something for you to consider, whether big or small, He has something for you to do. I hope you find it and make God the center of everything you do. I can't do anything good without him. There is no good without him.

Getting started in the morning

Proverbs 31:15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

It has been a while since I've written. I've been in kind of a slump lately. 7 months pregnant sure doesn't inspire me to get up while "it is yet night"...neither do these dark winter mornings. This morning, though, I had the pleasure of waking up at 530am to see my husband off. He'd out of town for a few days and it just so happens that we awoke to the first snowfall of the year. I went back to bed!

So clearly I am not living out this part of the verse and so I want to dive into this and figure out what it means. I can tell you that I have gone back and forth through phases of waking up early and sleeping in and I KNOW that when I wake up early my day is ALWAYS better so why is it that I give in to the "sleep monster"? Isn't it funny? Paul says in Romans 7 I do not do what I want but I do the very thing that I hate. I don't think sleeping in is the thing that I hate (or sin) but I do think the outcome of it has proven to be. Maybe that's why I've been in a bit of a slump lately...because I have become lazing in getting the day started. I wake up at 630 with Pillar every morning but lay in bed, her crawling all over me, hauling teddies, stories and blankets into the cramped little space I have and all, but I don't usually force myself out of bed until 7 or 730. Does that extra 30 mins of non sleep really do anything benificial? I don't think so.

So, speaking from experience, when I have gotten up before the babies ever did to do devotions, pray, meditate etc, my attitude is so much more possitive than when I sleep in. So here are my options: Lay in bed for an extra 30 mins of completly disturbed sleep hoping I will have slept a total of 1 min more, or get out of bed, spend time with my Lord and soak in his word. Hmmmm sounds like a no brainer to me. Now like I said, I don't think the sleeping in part is the bad part (for me anyway) but my attitude becomes poor, my frustration level grows, and the day just doesn't start well. So here I am, just like Paul saying "I don't do the thing I want to do (have a good attitiude) and I do the thing that I hate" (have a bad attitude). So for me, turns out sleeping in isn't a good thing, And it took me this blog to realize it because without writing it down, I would have just slept in tomorrow morning :)

I do want to talk specifically about the food part (I think you know by now this is pretty much my favourite earthly thing). I know many people don't take this passage litterally and it is quite impossible to do these days anyway and the reader from the previous post commented that we can't live every detail of this passage litterally otherwise we will burn ourselves out, but finding out what it really means to you to wake up while it is still night and prepare food for your household is really important too. So does that mean sleeping in like me is good for you (it isn't for me) or taking the kids to McDonalds for breakfast every morning, if that's the way this verse is true for you, let it be so then, but I would like to share with you from my perspective; how I make (or try) to make it work. Our schedule has been a little off lately since I have had a job every morning that goes from 730-830 so our days have just started a little later so this part of the passage hasn't really worked out for me lately but I keep a great memory of my mom with me when I think about this part. We have been living with my parents for the last couple of months waiting to see if God would take us back to Oregon for missions work (where we left from last year) but he's told us to stay so in that waiting time we've been crashing my parent's. Now I can tell you from the time being here lately as well as when we were little, one of the best feelings is to wake up to freshly baked croissants or muffins. HOT muffins! What a treat. How special it feels to be a daughter who gets to wake up after doddling around getting ready, to a nice hot aroma that fills the house. Up the stairs I come and the smell just gets better and better and there's my mom, still in her pj's making the family breakfast. For no other reason except for the fact that she wants to serve us. Now this lady is a busy lady; it doesn't happen often that she bakes in the morning but when she does, man is it special! I am her daughter; I was part of her household and to some degree, am right now, which means in that moment, she is this woman, waking early to provide food for her family, and as her daughter I feel so special to be treated to such a lovely morning. You know, later on in the passage, it says "Her children rise up and call her blessed". In this moment of gratitude, I call my mother blessed! And I hope my children either see me that way now or will when they grow older. I want to be able to bless my children in that way to. The morning is not just a time for me to decide on my own attidude but for me to decide on my kids attitude as well. This is the question I must ask myself: Will I wake up and have a poor attitude and spread that to the family, or will I bite the bullet and wake up early, refreshed and ready to start my day and treat my family to something really special, whether that be breakfast or something else.

As the mom, I have the power to control everybody's attitude throughout the day; mine, my kids, and my husband. So what will be my choice, a poor attitude or a good one? The good one always comes from God. When I start my day with Him, he is there all day long supporting me and encouraging me but the second I put something before him and say "devotions can wait" or "I'll do it later" things go down hill.

I think I could go on and on but for now I will stop. I hope whoever is reading this has a wonderfully blessed week!

Happy mornings :)

I'm working out some kinks in my life right now. I try to rely on God's word to live like a Christian would live and I have been feeling so blessed and comforted by his word so much lately...except in one area of my life and Dan is not scared to tell me that I have some bitterness in my heart that needs to come out. It's really just regarding 1 thing in my life but for some reason I have been able to let go of anger and bitterness for every other thing under the sun except this one thing. I am so thankful I have a husband who is willing to tell me truthfully and slightly harshly :) that this is something that needs to go now. I told him he was lucky to have a wife who would thank him for such a rebuke. And I am truly thankful that he would tell me when he sees something that I may not.

So this blog is just my thoughts and study tonight on bitterness and how to extract that right out of my life :D

Job 3: Job is bitter at this point. He isn't bitter until this time and then he says "it would have been better if I had not been born." and "why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter in soul who long for death but it never comes?"

Job in general is quite bitter for a good portion of the book until Elihu whacks him and the other guys on the head with the wisdom of God. I think Dan was my Elihu today; "Never mind justifying your bitterness, you're MY wife and you won't hold onto this any more."

Many times Bitter is used is referring to "weeping bitter tears". Almost half the time. It's as if weeping bitterly is a good thing but I don't think that's quite what I'm doing.

Acts 8:14-24. Peter asks the holy spirit to come upon the new believers and the man Simon, offered money to have the ability to do the same. Peter said something like this "you poor soul, you think you can buy the holy spirit. your heart is not right with God and you will have no part if you keep it up. Repent. I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bond of iniquity." I don't want to live in the gall of bitterness; look how it's sounding for Simon. Peter says he will have no part unless he stops and asks to be forgiven.

Eph 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you^(BI) speak the truth with his neighbor, for^(BJ) we are members one of another. ^26(BK) Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷and^(BL) give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸Let the thief no longer steal, but rather^(BM) let him labor,^(BN) doing honest work with his own hands, so^(BO)that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ^29(BP) Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give^(BQ) grace to those who hear. ³⁰And^(BR) do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God,^(BS) by whom you were sealed for the day of^(BT) redemption. ^31(BU) Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ^32(BV) Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,^(BW) forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Who knows this to be true? I DO! Do I do it? no. I do the things I don't want to do and I don't do the things I do want to do. The word says it right there...DON'T BE BITTER AMY. So why do I continue living in it? Do I not know that I have been baptized into Christ which means I have been baptized into his death and was raised therefore, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so that I too, might walk in newness of life??? (Romans 6:1) I know all of this but my question still is, why do I keep doing it? I think we could all ask that question. We know what we are doing is wrong when we are doing it so why is it so hard? Because the way to salvation is hard! it's not the big fat and wide road that's heavily trod on. It's the tiny, skinny, measly trail that you can barely squeeze yourself through on.

So my conclusion for tonight is the exact same thing I tell my kids. I choose to make the decision to sin. I have the power of Christ in me not too. Choose the right thing.

I just have to write this down. Dan just got home and this is what he said. "Ephesians 4 is what you have to read." All I have to say is thank you Jesus for showing me what to read tonight. I had already studied that before he said anything.

Living out the Word

I am in the middle of writing a post, still, about the first line about the proverbs 31 woman. I have been contemplating what it means to be worth more than the most precious jewels and every day I think I'm going to finish it but I don't. I want to talk about Esther so I've been reading the book the last couple of days but with everything else, it's hard to squeeze everything in. I will finish the book tonight and post it hopefully tomorrow.

As for the other half of it...It's not just that I haven't managed to collect my thoughts and write them down; it's also because for the last week I've been feeling kind of lost. I don't live in my own home with my family so I find the things I know I should and want to be doing for my family become a little more complicated and stress levels are extremely high living with so many different types of people. I have a hard time living up to expectations that have been set out for me and continue to fail (not on the part of my husband or children) I have been trying to rip this sin of being angry and frustrated out of my life and it's working. Dan looked at me the other day and said "Get this out of you...it's not who you are so stop it". So I did :) Things have been better and I look forward to the day we have our own place. There have also been a lot of challenging discussions over the last week that Dan has helped me work through. Ideas of the Gospel needing to be spread in a very low key level and not actually sharing the gospel and instead "showing" the gospel. I don't agree with this. I believe Jesus was never subtle in his teachings and when something went wrong, he told them about it. I wouldn't rebuke anyone (maybe my kids) but as for teaching, I know I'm not supposed to beat around the bush which is what many people like to do...it's safe. Christianity isn't safe. It's supposed to be hard. We're supposed to be persecuted. I know that people wont listen to good things sometimes but that shouldn't stop us from sharing. There isn't a time in Jesus' ministry where he kept quite about his Father when speaking to people. He was always talking about it. Why are we so scared to do that today? Why is it good enough that we ONLY show people Christ through our actions? No! Paul said "by faith alone" James says "Faith with out works is dead" so it's not one or the other. You can't just choose the nice sounding one because it makes void the second. and vice verse. You can't just do good things and not truly believe. Scripture never contradicts itself. So how do those go together? When you truly believe, there is something that happens inside of you...YOU DIE!

Romans 6:1 says "Shall we continue to sin so that Grace may abound? BY NO MEANS!!!! How can we who have died to the flesh continue living in it? don't you know that we who have been baptized have been baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him and Just as Christ was risen from the dead by the Glory of the Father, we too shall walk in a newness of life."

It's fairly clear what Paul says. He says, we have no means to sin. When we sin as Christians, it is a falter of our flesh but WE have no means to sin. It's dead. So there is a conversion of heart. When you are baptized into Christ, you know something new (if you truly believe) and your action will just show it. Automatically...if you are constantly reading and learning. It's not good enough to say "I'm a Christian" and do what "feels" like a good Christian would act like. You need to KNOW how a Christian should act and the only way to do that is to get into the word. Jesus IS the word. So why wouldn't we want to spend all our time in it. If he's the person we are trying to become like, then we should be saturating ourselves in him always. Memorizing scripture, reading the bible at any free moment, challenging your own life and making sure you're doing the things you are being asked to do. That all Christians are asked to do. It's such a revelation when you fall in love with the word. No wonder...it's falling in love with Christ.

Anyway, I'm sure I said some things that people won't agree with or perhaps I worded wrong and maybe that's why certain people have labeled me a certain way but I'm speaking from my heart. The things that I am passionate about, I will write here. And this is definitely the biggest one.

An excellent wife

Proverbs 31:10 An excellent wife, who can find? She is worth far more than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain.

I just want to take this little bit at a time. That way the words will really sink in. So when ever I read something from the bible during a study, I ask myself "What does this really mean." So what does it mean to be worth more than jewels? Well, clearly jewels are very valuable but lets see how valuable they are back then. The bible seems to mention the word Jewels 15 times. I looked at all these verses and these are the ideas that came from most of them:

-honor the lord with your wealth

-Jewels are compared with wisdom in the Proverbs a couple of times

-proverbs 3:13-18 is that mother talking again to her son, telling him about wisdom being "her" and jewels could never compare

-Song of Solomon talks about physical beauty of a woman in relation to jewels and at times about the passion he has for his wife; He speaks passionately about the jewels which adorn her (now, she is not actually wearing anything at all...he's talking about her pure beauty to him)

-Zachariah compares the Lords people to jewels.

-Then we come to the negative verses about jewels fading away, a symbol of sexual immorality in revelation, they will one day be worth nothing at all.

So there are two very different sides to the passages on Jewels. One is talking comparing us to jewels and the other talking about jewels will parish but we will not. So clearly, when comparing a wife to jewels, it's pretty big. She's pretty important and cherished. And because of this, her husband loves her so much. The heart of her husband trusts her.

I think of the story of Ester a lot when I think about the relationship between a husband and wife. Xerxes or King Ahasuerus made his first wife Vashti, leave because she made him look like a fool in front of pretty well the kingdom. So the King was in search for another queen. Esther happened to make the cut but not just because of her beauty; because she strove to please the king. It says, the women adorned themselves in all the kings jewels as they could keep what they took but Esther, she wore what Hegai, the eunuch in charge of the ladies, suggested what the king would like in Esther 2. Esther, not even his wife yet, submitted herself and adorned herself to what would please her future husband. So that's before she's married to him. Now to the good juicy part of the story:

So Haman convinces the King that the Jews need to be slaughtered all over the land and it is pretty much up to Esther to stop this massacre from happening. It is really a perfect example of submission. Submission isn't having a man rule over you as a wife. It doesn't mean you have no authority as a wife. It doesn't mean you have to be kept silent in your home because what ever the husband says goes. This is so often the misconception, that women become voiceless when people hear that word SUBMIT!!!! It's not that at all. Read Esther if you don't know the story. Does she keep silent? By no means! She actually bursts into the royal place where the King and other men of authority in the country were meeting. Her act of submission was that, she knew she had the heart of her King. She knew that "...and husbands love your wives like Christ loves the church" was true (even though they didn't have that particular scripture back then but what is true of God in the beginning is true now and will continue to be as well) She knew her husband loved her like crazy. She also knew that he would listen to what she had to say because why would a wife say something if she didn't really mean it?

I used to argue with Dan about everything. All the little details of the day; like many women, if things didn't go in the way I had expected them to, then I would say a little quip or make a fuss or change my attitude into something negative, setting the mood for the whole family. I decided one day after reading a chapter in "Created to be his help meet by Debi Pearl", to only say things that I really wanted to deal with. To this day the only time I will bring something "confrontational" up is when I really feel like it needs to be addressed. I'm not going to bring up petty things that won't bring glory to God or honor to my husband anymore because I know what it does. It creates unnecessary conflict for the sake of me being right. Now he know; Amy must mean what she's saying because she only says things that are truly important. So I think in some cases when it might sound petty, he asks himself "why is she saying that if she doesn't just always spew what's on her mind". I know I can trust my husband will listen to my requests because I'm not flippant with what I ask him. He loves me all the more because of it because there are no arguments any more.

This is what Esther was doing. He husband had so much confidence in her and trust in what she was saying that he could say to himself "she's not just bursting into this meeting for no good reason. There must be a good reason for this outburst and because she was bold enough to do that" he says "I will give you anything my queen, to you and half the kingdom."

She is more precious than jewels.

Wow, all that for 2 lines of scripture! What a rant. But it was great to write about.

Why do I Homeschool?

Since being back from Oregon I think about 1000 people have asked my "why do you homeschool?". It's a hard question to answer to people because no matter what I say, I feel like the recipient is gong to feel like I am making a judgment on how they do school for their kids. I want to share our reasons but not in a way that will put up barriers so often I don't say much about the topic. I love having this blog because I'm not really talking to anyone in particular. I can just share the reasons without the fear of offending someone else' parenting tactics.

"Do you homeschool because you're on the road so much?" "You don't plan to homeschool during all of their schooling do you?" "what's wrong with the public school system?" "Don't you need to be accredited to teach your kids school?" "How do you do it? I couldn't spend all day every day with my kids" (That is actually something I would have said a year and a half ago so if anyone reading feels that, I get it) "How are your kids going to learn how to socialize?

These are just a few of the questions I have received and continue to receive often. I think it's one of the reasons why I miss Oregon so much because it's so accepted and I don't feel interpreted when it comes to the girls education. So the reason is this: Dan and I have accepted all responsibility for the teaching of our children. If it is something extra curricular that we do not have the ability to teach, we are right along side them, learning with them. The bible tells us as parents to raise up our children so that they may not turn away from the faith (Proverbs 22:6). Also, I have a verse from Deuteronomy 6:4. Now I know we are not bound to the laws in the old testament but I do believe that the promises God makes are true yesterday, today and tomorrow, so just because we don't have to follow the laws, doesn't mean that the teaching along side them are null and void.

⁴"Hear, O Israel:^(E) The LORD our God, the LORD is one.^{[b] 5}You^(F) shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶And^(G) these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ^7(H) You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ^8(I) You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ^9(J) You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

This is so beautiful. Imagine plastering your whole house with sticky notes so that you might teach your children diligently and teach them so they will never walk away from God. These are the things we are trying to do by homeschooling. In every single subject I can teach them about the Lord, whether it's math, English, Geography or anything else. Dan also leads us in bible study and worship every morning. Our day is saturated in the Lord and it is beautiful. I can see the hearts of my girls transforming as they come to know Christ in a deeper way, understanding more and more of his word.

I can't even tell you how much joy I have experience in teaching my girls all of their schooling. It's only been 3 weeks since the start of this school year for them and already I am amazing as to how they are learning and how well they are learning. We also get to bake cookies in the afternoons when ever we want haha.

As far are the socializing of it, if any of you know Jenny, you know that she is a magnet and a good one too. She tries her best to set a good example for the other children because of her learning and because she is learning how to use this gift of leadership that God has blessed her with. Bullies tend to have the same personality but use it to the opposite effect. She's amazing. MeghanRain is perfectly happy following Jenny around hanging out with the smaller kids who might be following along.

I am so happy. There are definitely moments of frustration and that's when meditating on scripture all day comes in handy :) It has been and continues to be such a blessing to have the girls home all day.

Proverbs 31 study- Who is Lemuel?

Last night I watched the first half of the movie called Limitless. It was very interesting. I had to go to bed as I was waited from the busy day but I've been thinking about it tonight. Apparently we only use 20% of our brains as humans. In this movie, there is a pill, a very expensive pill which allows you to use all 100% of the brain. So this man starts taking these pills every day and pretty much becomes the smartest man in the world, investing money and quintupling it every day becoming more and more rich. He is able to learn and be fluent in new languages in days along with playing the most difficult sonatas on the piano. All of a sudden he sees the world in a different view because he knows it all. What if we did this with scripture? What if we knew it all? How do you think Christians would be and act like if we had the whole scripture memorized? I am not proposing that we memorize the whole bible together but over the last 2 weeks I have dedicated my free time to memorizing scripture. I have only 2 new verses memorized but do you want to know how many times I thought about them this week? Only all day every day, constantly meditating on the words He gives us. Do you want to know how many conversations they came into? All of them (not all of them were verbalized). This was a complete revelation to me. A few months ago I started memorizing James. I can't believe I still remember what I learned and how it is constantly applied in my life. The Bible tells us to live by the word and that's exactly what I plan to (try to) do. I am starting with my favorite. Proverbs 31. I want to encourage you to imagine what it would be like to know what the whole thing says, know where everything is, imagine what conversations would look like if you could encourage people with scripture instead of "I know it says somewhere in the bible...". Now don't just imagine it; fall in love with it and know it!

I have gone through Proverbs 31 many times over the last year, and when I feel myself lacking as a wife and mother, I go here to regain the strength I need to keep the day going smoothly (Along with many other places in scripture.) I am not going to start half way through as most studies do but I want to know the precursor to "the wife of noble character".

WHO IS KING LEMUEL? Verse 1 says this: The words of King Lemuel. An Oracle that his mother taught him:

I wanted to start this study with the background of this king. Now I don't know for certain but I have done a little research and I believe this is Solomon. First of all, King Solomon wrote the proverbs. Second of all, the ancient Rabbinical commentators identified Lemuel with Solomon. So from here on out, I will imagine this proverb to have been written by Solomon given to him by his Mother. Besides who this king is, this has been given to him by him mother. Doesn't that seem strange? Well, he doesn't have a wife yet, clearly since she's telling him how to know a good woman when he sees one. Now if this is Solomon, then this is Bathsheba; the woman bathing on the roof that David wants and takes. Now, Bathsheba sleeps with David while married to Uriah, making her an adulterer. Eventually David kills Uriah and at this point Bathsheba is his wife. Maybe she knows all these great things because she wasn't one. I don't know that though, so I will have to do a little more research. So for now, we'll call it a night. Interesting how things get connected when you go back to try to figure them out. I encourage you to do your own research. Any questions that might pop up, write them down and then answer them. Discover it for yourself.