I am Supermom

You are incredible!
Kudos to you!
Wow 8 kids? You deserve a medal!
You must have so much patience!
I could never do it. Good for you!

These are all comments I hear from total strangers everywhere I go. But the one I hear most is:

"Wow, you are a super mom!"

Why is it at first glance I appear to be a super mom. Is it the smile I share with others when I meet them? Is it the fact that my children are polite in public? Is it just such an oddity that one would have so many kids that they automatically must have super powers?

To be honest, the last thing a mother of 8 feels like is a super hero. Unless its referring to a scene such as when Samson is in his weakest moment, consumed by humility and failure that in his last breath he calls out to God and destroys the wicked people with his last ounce of strength, pulling the palace balcony down upon himself. Or perhaps a hero people are more familiar with when Superman flies into the centre of the sun, absorbing all its energy in exchange for his own, in order to stop it from exploding and destroying the galaxy, saving those who are for, and against him and finally...dying for them.

That is the kind of super hero this mother of 8 feels like. Weak. Lost. Alone. Shamed. But there is hope within this winding path of motherhood. Like Samson, I feel like I'm seeking that 'one last ounce of strength' constantly from the Lord. I basically live on that one last ounce of strength. And then the next 'one last ounce of strength' and then the next and then the next and the next. This mother's tank is never full. I stop at the gas station every day. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be during this time of chaos and uncertainty.

As I'm writing this, the most important story of all comes to mind. When my Lord was put on the cross by his own children. His past, present, and future children. With our sins. We betrayed him. Sent him off alone to die for something he never did. What is the image of christ you see when you think about his last moments alive on earth? Weak. He was beaten, whipped, crushed, pierced. Lost. He came to a world where his own people didnt accept him. Cried out to God "why have you forsaken me?". Alone. He hung there alone. Carrying the burden by himself. Shamed. Mocked, spit at, cursed. No other could have done what he did. What a man for a mother to walk in the footsteps of. Our own Lord and God did it first. Felt the same feeling we do as mothers. Of course in a much grander way. He is the father of billions. And in 1 moment in time, carried all of our hurts, struggles, curses, and tempertsntrums the way a mother ought to. Never putting herself above them.

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Even if right now it's just a top up day by day. I dont think He will let me run dry. A deer may run all day through the woods in hopes of finding a stream. Exhasted, he finally arrives and the stream he had been longing for all day. Quenched with thirst, the deer drinks. As the deer thirsts, so I thirst for the water God gives me. I make it to his stream every day and then run the race again. And again. And again.

He is my super power. I have none by myself.

When people ask me "how do you do it?" My answer is always the same. "Its only because of Jesus."

What Child is This

Dec 6. It comes but once a year. It's a day of remembrance in our family. The focal point of our lives being a husband, a wife, a child, and a Christian. For most of us it is a solemn day. A day with tears and short laughs of remembrance. A day with lots of pictures looked at and a day of refection on the worth of any given life.

I can't believe it's been 9 years. Almost a decade since loosing Ellie. It feels like a lifetime away. Like we were living in a completely different time all those years ago. I remember flashes of the day it happened but I can't feel it anymore. I don't remember the physical pain I felt in my body after loosing her but I remember the memory of the pain. It was as if a part of me broke. It was hard to breath at times. It was hard to even stand at times. Everywhere hurt.

The night she died God did a miraculous thing. Though I felt broken all over physically, my spirit started to revive. My desire for God grew. My desire for my husband and children grew. My need to share the gospel exploded out of me. I had never been so bold in my life, to be able to share the Lord with so many people without hesitation. Every person I met for quite some time after Ellie's death lead to a conversation about life. Ellie made me bold and courageous. She reset my soul on fire for the Lord and His gospel was being shared everywhere I went.

What a child! That she could touch so many people without even knowing. That she could bring people to know the Lord through her short life is a miracle to me.

I've been pondering these things for a little while now leading up to the anniversary of her death. Thinking about the wonderful things that came from the beauty of her life and I couldn't help but think about another baby. Another baby far more precious than mine. A baby who fulfilled the desire of the word to be saved from condemnation. A baby who left the heavenly places of perfection to be part of this world of sin to love on us, comfort us, laugh with us, cry with us. To walk with us and teach us. Those things in themselves are amazing but the best part is, he went to the cross without a word. The world yearned for someone to save them and so that's what he did. He bore the cross and the crown of thorns. He bore the brutal whippings on his back and the nails that were driven through his hands and feet. And finally with his last breaths he bore the sin of the whole world. The Earth itself shook with the pain of the Saviour and the sun ceased to shine in sadness. And we fell down and acknowledged he really was the son of God. The Saviour of all those drawn to him.

I am so proud of my daughter, Immanuelle Silk Willis (Ellie). Though she could not speak or walk or do anything for herself, she accomplished the great commission. She brought so many to the Lord or at least got them asking hard questions. I love her so much. I wish she was here with us. I wish I could see her beautiful face that is still clear in my mind. And see her smile smack open when she was overjoyed at the sight of her loved ones. I wish I could hear her cry again and hold her a little longer when she wanted me too. But she's on the better side now. She's fulfilled the purpose God set out for her and she did an amazing job.

This saying has always baffled me, as if we can have multiple hearts but there's no way else to describe that I love Ellie with all my heart. And in the words of 4 year old Jenny "thank you God, that she could live so long."


I pray that I would continue to be courageous the way I was when she left us all the way until the time I leave this world to be with the Lord. I pray her life would continue to do the work of the Lord and bring people closer to him.  I pray for those who read this that your passion would be ignited this Christmas season and go out boldly making disciples of all nations. Remember the baby who saved us. He is far more precious than we can ever imagine.

Matthew 28:16-20

The Great Commission

16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Happy Mothers Day

Someone who I have certainly unappreciated over the years is my very own mother. We have had our ups and downs however it seems the downs have blinded me a great deal over the years to all the good she has done for me but also throughout her entire life.

This past weekend I got to road trip with her to Toronto. We've done this before and it's always enjoyable but as we passed buildings that were familiar to her she started telling stories of her childhood. Fond memories of her siblings, parents, places where she grew up. I saw how happy she was telling me all about these memories so I literally grilled her for half the trip home on anything and everything. I told her "I need to start writing these things down" with the hope of writing something about her to honour her in the things she has done over the course of almost 60 years of life.

My mother has always given it her all. In everything that she has done. That is what was so fascinating to me as I heard all about her life. One of my favourites was a story she told about when she was about 14 years old. She had borrowed her uncles bike to enter a huge bike race. 33 miles I believe. She was the only female to enter the race. That didn't stop her. She didn't care that she was the only girl among men. She finished dead last....but she completed it. What courage.

Her dad bought each one of the kids a ticket for a draw once, to win a big kid bike. 28 inch wheels. SHE WON! She ran back to the park in her baby doll PJ's to collect her prize. Didn't even take the time to change before racing out to claim her prize.

Age 18 she entered a crocheted afcan into the huge fair in Toronto. "The little old ladies got ousted by a young whipper snapper!" She said. This was her first crochet project!

When she was a kid she and her sister Kathy collected the bread wrappers off the toast master bread. They didn't just collect 10 wrappers that they could have used to purchase a small gift. No! They collected for an entire year and won themselves a box of cinnamon buns. She got to eat one for dinner.

She competed in fiddle competitions into adulthood, many times claiming the prize and even competed in the North American Fiddle Championships. Once she won 2 rolls of wall paper. Now that's not a prize you see being given out anymore. Her dad wallpapered the stair way with it. :)

My mom worked in nursing homes as a profession for most of her pre child adulthood. She put everything into it! She came up with a program that was soon being recognized in all sorts of districts to help non moving residents gain more movement. She'd travel around teaching this to nursing home staff. She wanted the best for the residents she worked for.

She has been part of the Kiwanis groups fundraising for cystic fibrosis.

My mom is an avid quilt maker. So much that she has had dozens of quilts ready at the asking to give away to different charities. She has guessed she has given away over 42 quilts. Do you know how long it takes to make a quilt? Not to mention the countless quilts as gifts she has made. We alone as a family have received 6 or 7 quilts from her.

My mom used to work as a travel agent. Like I told you before, she put EVERYTHING into what she did. She has been rewarded throughout her life because of this. She saw many rewards through being, at times, in the top 30 agents in North America, that she has traveled all over the world. She named at least 30 countries she has been to on account of winning trip because of her hard work and earning them.

She has done countless amount of hours raising money for women's shelters in this area and across Canada. Just last year she raised, single handedly, $7200 for Nelson House. People sometimes ask me "is your mom retired?" The answer is always a long "NOOOhohohoooo". I'm not sure she will ever be retired. Even if she's done work she will always be doing the good work of the Lord.

The last thing we talked about on our drive home was how she came about to be elected as 1 of 12 members of the Ottawa Real Estate Board. There are 3000 agents in this area and the board picked her to become the next board member. No one stood against that decision. What an honour. And all because of hard work!

My mom sets the example of hard work. When I look at her I see the Provers 31 woman. She doesn't do the same things as the lady in scripture but she certainly works just as hard in many other ways.

I am so proud of my mother. I can't wait to share this blog post with all who know her and all who know me!

Love you Moooooooder.

Developing a Love for Birthing Pains

I love labour.

Some of you women right away will say "she's crazy!" I've heard it so many times. I've had looks of wonder and disbelief when I tell people I love labour days. For me it's a day of pampering from my family, awesome food and in the end I get to lounge in bed for at least a day. Doesn't every woman want to be pampered like she's the most important person in the world? Or eat whatever she wants? Or get to lie in bed for hours without interruption being served breakfast lunch and dinner in bed?

Those are all sweet things but they are not actually the true highlight of labour and delivery for me. What I love most about it all is the excruciating pain brought about  bringing new life into this world.

"okay now she really is crazy".....keep reading.

In the beginning God created everything and it was good. In summary. And then the people God made, who represent all of humanity, who act as every one of our representatives, broke a promise they made to their maker ("no we will not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil") and as any good father would do, he gave them the discipline they needed. He told man he would toil in his work and he told woman her pain in child bearing would increase greatly. So what? I love the curse? No. I love the promise. Mankind is cursed until the day when we are reunited with God in heaven. How is the curse broken? Through the sacrifice of Jesus. Who took our place on the cross, sent our sins to their father in Hell, was raised from the dead, perfect and blameless and stands before our father in heaven just for us so that we may stand before God in the same way. Perfect and blameless in his sight.

Romans 6:3-11 says that we died on the cross with Jesus:

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

We toil through pregnancy and sometimes we get to the end and wish it to be over and done with; we are so tired of being tired. and then labour hits. It comes out of nowhere. We women know that we are pushed to the point where we don't know how we are going to make it through the next contraction. How could this pain get any worse. And then it does. And it gets even worse and still gets even worse before it's over. And then all at once, with one final push of exasperation your body is limp, you lie back, close your eyes and hear the cry of the new life you were waiting for. Nothing matters anymore. You have received the prize. 

Here is the beautiful parallel that I get teary eyed thinking about. I have been tired of sin. Have you? Thinking I'm so tired of making the same mistake over and over again? Just like our tiredness by the end of pregnancy. Then comes labour itself. The sacrifice. JESUS.  Without a sacrifice, we can not stand before God our Father. He can't dwell with sin. Labour is like what life would be like without God. Hopeless. Painful. Longing for it to be over but it still gets worse. No end in sight. Despair. Only it doesn't end. And finally after a life of struggling through sin and being separated from God we receive his salvation. Just like when our baby is finally here. Nothing else matters except the new life God has given us. 

It's a small picture. But I am grateful for the examples God gives us of his salvation through worldly experience. I can't wait to experience salvation to God's degree. What about you?

The Importance of older women to the younger.

I look forward to being an older woman. Getting old has never frightened me or gotten me down. It means that with every year that passes more opportunity arises for me to mentor a younger woman. Titus 2:3-5 outlines the joy I look forward to: Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.  At this point I don't have much I can offer a younger married woman with children since I'm in the same boat with many little children and not many big ones. But what I can say is at this time of life and many years preceding this point, an older woman is and can always be appreciated.

In this individualistic society we live in today I believe there may be a lack of courage in this area. I say this only because when ever this has come up in conversation I have with older woman the reply is almost always "I'm not sure how to start." or "I don't know if they would appreciate my advice." or "I wouldn't want to offend someone if they don't wish to hear my advice." or, the biggest one is "I have nothing of worth to share. I have made so many mistakes." Perhaps the best way to teach us is through your mistakes.

Conversely, I have discussed the same topic with younger women wondering if they have or would like a mentor. Older women who are reading this, please read this part very carefully: Every young Christian woman I speak to about this has the very same longing as I do: to be brought up in the faith and desire to learn better how to love their husbands and children.

Over the years I have had women speak into my life. There have been times of much fruit given to me personally by other women and I have also experience great famine in that way as well. But I can tell you for every moment I have of an older, wiser woman in the faith is such a cherished blessing to me. I'm not sure you older women know just how much your life experience, good or bad, are worth. I want you all to know that you are such a gift to us younger women. But we need you to raise us up! We need to learn better how to love our husbands. We need to learn how to love our children more. If there is someone in the stage of life preceding yours in your reach, you are able to fulfill this great calling.

Help ladies. I speak for all the ladies who say any of these words:

Why doesn't my husband understand?
I seem to lack joy throughout the day.
We're fighting so much.
Why doesn't my husband want to spend more time with me?
Why can't I just teach my child to be ______?
I've tried a million things and they still don't get along?
They whine, they scream, they don't listen etc. etc.

I love you all so very dearly my older friends. I hope this message was a refreshing blessing and if you are a younger women, feel free to comment in agreement :)

Get Out of That Well

    I'm on a mountain top.


    I am not writing this to make you feel even deeper in a pit if you are in one but to encourage you that if you keep reaching out in what feels like pitch black darkness eventually you will find the rope God has thrown down to you. If you are standing up in the bright sunshine with the Lord look around. There might be a well with a rope thrown in. Grab on and pull you brothers and sisters out of there. You're either in the well, at the bottom on your knees, reaching out or climbing up OR you are out of the well in awe of your Lord.

    People ask me often how I have been doing since the big day in February when I nearly met my maker. To tell you the truth had God's will gone the other way I would have been happier than I could have imagined shortly before this trip. I could have been in eternity with my Lord and saviour, brother, Father and friend. I can't wait to see Jesus face to face. Like a bride on her wedding day standing before her bridegroom. Her veil lifted and they embrace with eager anticipation of the life that is about to be had. Oh how I long for that day when I meet him.

     But I am still here. And for that I am not sad to stay. I am forever grateful to Him that he is willing to wait for me until I am not needed here anymore. I feel the embrace of my husband throughout the day and see the kind eyes of my children gaze up at me and I wonder at this.

    James has always been my go-to book when there are hard trials coming my way or in my way. And I always come out strengthened by it. In my life Joy has always been the thing I have craved and longed for. I was incredibly sad in my teen years, entered into motherhood early only to find more sadness out of lack of confidence, have felt distant from God intermittently throughout my walk with Him, have struggled hard with my husband (as is normal), have longed sinfully for times in my life that were more fruitful and fulfilling, and even fell into despair not too long ago. Joy is what I have been longing for all of my life. So everytime I feel this way I turn to James and read through it. Often several times. And every time the same message pops out: Trials are joy. Testing makes you persevere. Perseverance leads to perfection and completion in Christ. Trials are joy. Trials are joy. That's James 1:2 for you. The same message comes up in 1John 4:12 too.

    As a Christian, we should never fall into despair. It's easy to throw that word around though isn't it. Recently we had a girls Anne of Green Gables marathon and Anne would throw this word around flippantly, "I'm in the depths of despair." This isn't a true depiction of this word. Despair is not being with God anymore. Having no hope. I remember in recent months weeping on the floor many times feeling like I was truly in the depths of despair. I felt that if I were to die at this moment I would suffer for eternity in Hell and the mere thought of this drove me lower and lower. I was face down on the bottom of a deep dark well with no hope or thought of a rope. God wasn't going to throw me one and no one else was picking me up.

      It was all a fallacy. I can see that very clearly now that I am standing upright. God loves me. He did not abandon me. I abandoned him. I continued in my prayer and study during this time but decided God was never going to help me.

Lies
       Lies
              Lies

       James 1:13 tells us he does not tempt us. God wasn't tempting me to turn from him. James 4:4 says when we love the world God becomes jealous of the spirit which he put in us. I was succombing to the sin in my life and he was jealous for my spirit. James 4:7 tells us to resist Satan and he will flee. Come near to God and he will come near to you. I wasn't resisting the lies Satan was fusing deep into my soul. How could I come closer to God? After this, in James 4:9 he goes on to tell us "grieve, mourn, and wail, change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up. HE WILL LIFT YOU UP...out of that well. You won't even need the rope. He'll scrape your limp weeping body up off the ground and place you up in the sunshine. That is how I got out. That's what it took to get out of the depth of despair.

     Life is full of trials. Peter reassures us of this in 1 Pet 1:6-7. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith...may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

     But the point of these trials should technically result in praise, glory and honour to Jesus. That is a genuine faith. Isn't that what we want? To have a genuine faith in Jesus? To give Him glory, honour, power, praise? Then we should endure our trials joyfully. But this doesn't mean put a smile on your face when your dog dies because you are supposed to supposed to be joyful. It means get your focus right. You should feel a peace in your heart when you're joyful in your suffering. This is persevering.

     For those on the mountaintop or just out of the well in the sunshine: You know this truth. You know that trial you just went through crafted you a little more into your true self coming closer to God. So it's your duty to help your brothers and sisters out. The end of Jude says Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy mixed with fear-hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

    Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12


    Lord thank you for the trials I have faced. Especially this last one. I love you more than life and although I can wait to see you I am really looking forward to you. 

Hold Fast to Me

Content Disclaimer: Not for you yet children. I would rather tell you about it and skip some of the details. You can read this when you're older. 


 I am discovering more and more that when I write, it is first to glorify God and next for myself. Whoever happens to read upon my writings are simply the fruit of the work God is doing. I find myself writing when I've had a revelation of some kind or am passionate about something or something drastic happens that I need to work though by writing. If you are reading, you are just enjoying my working myself out.

I just reread exactly what I wrote in my last post knowing there would be some crazy parallels to this one. This is the continuation of that story of hope. If you have time read the last one again before reading this one.



Yesterday I experienced joy in a way I had no idea joy could be felt. I don't even know if by the end of this you will truly understand what I am feeling because I don't know if I am capable of writing it all down.

I was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning. 2 Actually. The first one wasn't equipped to take care of the massive amount of bleeding I was experiencing and the life saving procedures that, unaware, needed to follow. I lost consciousness several times as Dan drove as fast as he could through the snow drifts in the dark of night. He could only just barely reach 100km/hr as far as I could tell when I was awake.

Thinking back on that 20 minute drive I realise how selfish I have been. I have complained about him. I have been bitter toward him. I have been rejecting him for many years. (I'm sure most wouldn't notice and would not think twice at these things but in my heart I know I have felt them.) Dan, you are constantly my hero. Whether you feel it or not. Last night once again you put on your armour and fought for my life. I love you more than I can express right now. I love you 1000 times more than I did the day before and I am sorry for not edifying you the way you HEAP praise on me when I am completely unworthy of it. You are my man. You are the person I can count on. You will always hold my hand and you will never let me down. Please forgive me for the lack of love I have shown you.

Dan held my hand all the way demanding me to squeeze, shake or bounce it. I think I did a pretty good job. I woke up to the sound of him crying out to God telling Him not to take me. I must of stopped squeezing. He'd tell me to say something and I would repeat the same thing over and over and over again because he told me to. He carried me into the hospital. He told funny jokes...yes funny jokes, for the next many hours. He made so many people laugh. I haven't laughed this much in a very long time.

Dan didn't ride with me to the next hospital. I felt fine. I got the impression that everything was going to be fine because there wasn't a sense of urgency from the one hospital but I think my condition changed drastically as they rolled me into the ER. I was told later that they weren't prepared for what they had to deal with. I was told my lips went see through and my skin was white. My vains had all become flat. I had some very interesting procedures done such a drilling into my knee bone to get a direct IV in there, having a small catheter like tube inserted into the vain in my neck, having a blood transfusion, receiving a total 6 litres of fluid within about 2 hours

As I layed on the table with all of this happening I saw many people. I even chatted with some of them. One of the nurses has 4 children. Almost as many as me. And he was young too. Dan was in and out smiling when there was a space for him, making me laugh, wishing me a happy Valentines day. But through all the business there were moments of peace. I remember looking up at the ceiling thinking to my Lord I might see you today. And I would be very happy to see you.  I wasn't scared in the least. Then my worldly momma/wife instinct kicked in and I asked Jesus to leave me here for a while so they would be okay. And he did.

I went to have the operation done once my snake needle had been inserted into my neck. (I can't help but gross people out sometimes...sorry) I looked up at my favourite nurse who had been so nice and was joking with me while Dan couldn't I asked him if I almost died. He told me yes. My heart could have stopped at any time.

When I woke up from surgery which was about 5 minutes later (but actually more like an hour and a half) I heard the funniest beeping. It was my heart monitor. I started to cry. I looked sad but was overflowing with joy and happiness. I could hear the monitor rushing faster and faster so the nurse told me I needed to stop crying.

Since then, every so often I start to cry in between laughing with my husband because I am too overwhelmed to comprehend the Grace of God. I can't believe I am still here. I kept telling Dan life is going to be so different. And it is. How could it not. I was almost not here. My 5 children almost didn't have a momma and my husband who can't live without me would have had to.

Although what is waiting for us in Heaven is the prize, the fact that God spared my earthly life gives me such a deeper understanding of His salvation. It's tangible now. I comprehend first hand what it means for your life to be saved. But God can save anyones life. ANYONE. It doesn't have to be like this story. It most likely won't be. He saves people out of darkness. He makes it so that people don't have to sin. But if He doesn't save you, you won't be scooped up in his loving arms in the end. Cry out to him and ask him to save you. You'll never feel another embrace you like He does as long as you cling to him. As long as you hold fast to him. Let him care for you. Life won't be easy after accepting his embrace. It will still be hard. My family has lost a daughter/sister, have had 2 miscarriages, have almost been separated but despite all the crap that goes on in life there will be hope.  There will always be hope. 

I Will Give the Glory to God

My mind has been a bit of a mess this week. There has been a constant flurry of bible stories running through my mind. I've been meditating on which one I want to mimic and which one's my heart, soul and body have been mimicking.

There's the centurion from Luke 2 who came telling Christ that his servant was dying. He told Christ if he would just say the word he believed his servant would be well and there was no need for Christ to come. What did he feel like going home? Did he have every assurance that his servant would be well? 

Then there's David who when his first child was dying he fasted with his head to the ground for 7 days. (2 Sam 12:14-23) And then when the child died he got up, washed himself, changed his clothes, worshiped the Lord, ate something and carried on. 

I think about the countless times that the people of God mourn in their appearance by dressing themselves in clothing of mourning. 

Mary and Martha called for Christ when their brother Lazarus died. They waited and waited and waited. It took Christ 4 days to get to them. Mary cried out to him prostrating herself before him "Why didn't you come!" Clearly she had been in mourning those last 4 days. 

The one that I have meditated most on is when Christ is in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. In Matthew 26:39 it says And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." 

To tell you the truth I haven't been eager about this pregnancy. I've been waiting for time to get me excited about it. I kept telling myself, I will be excited eventually but for now I will not worry or be excited. I was a little complacent about the whole thing. This past Monday I had my first ultrasound scheduled. I was looking forward to it because I would probably be excited about the baby once I saw it for the first time. I was excited about becoming excited. As my 3 littlest ones watched the screen they were shortly after excused so a more thorough ultrasound could be done so they waited in the hall. I could see the news wasn't good news but the technician spoke in possibilities. She didn't see the baby but suggested it may be too early. This is when thoughts went rushing through my head. Not bad thoughts. More thoughts of hope. 

My midwife called the next day to tell me the pregnancy didn't look like it was viable. Still, there was that possibility that it could go the other way for the better. Should I act like the centurion who only needed to ask Gods word and his servant would be healed? Should I be like David who mourned his child while it's life was uncertain? Should I mourn the baby as Mary and Martha mourned Lazarus knowing in their hearts that he was dead? I wouldn't give in to the third at all. 

That night Whisper got the flu. I had heard of the flu going around for the second time in a few months and was hoping it wouldn't strike our home. I heard this strain was a very violent one. One that lasted days and was a constant flow of vomit. It takes so long  for a mamma to recoup after 5 kids going through the flu. Maybe that's why I myself haven't had it in years. I woke up to the sound of Whisper being sick. I hopped out of bed at first with an attitude of I may be about to have a miscarriage. What an inopportune time for the kids to be getting sick. I need someone to take care of me. How will I take care of my babes. I am going to be up all night and all I want to do is sleep. God had other plans. And I believe he let Whisper become sick to make me stronger. After that split minute moment of selfishness I thought to myself this is such a great time for me to cherish the babes I have in my arms.  I brought Whisper to my room, slathered her in oils to help fight the sickness, turned on the defuser with the same oils and slept with her on the couch. She threw up 3 times that night. I was expecting an all-nighter. Actually I slathered all of the kids with oils the next day. None of the other girls got sick. And even if they are yet to get sick, it won't have been all at once like every other time. The Lord is good. 

God puts trials in our lives so that we can be stronger. Whisper being sick could have been a why-me-wallow-in-my-own-misery type of trial but he wants us to take joy in our trials as James tells us. It's the joy in our trials that make us stronger. 

The next day or two, I can't remember it's been a blur has been that constant flow of thoughts but never giving up hope. Always praising God in the midst of a possible tragedy. Always thinking about Christ asking God to take this cup from him. Jesus still went to the cross because he loves us so much. If he hadn't loved us he would't have died for us. But I don't picture buddy Jesus taking up his cross at Calvary. I picture a man almost beaten to death but still hanging on so he can be the final sacrifice, tired, and in pain but I'm sure he was with his Father the whole time. I have been with the Father every moment of my waking days since Monday and it is such a wonderful feeling.  I have asked him to take this cup from me but if it is his will that the baby should die let His will be done and not my own. I have not been happy every moment, and I have sinned as I do every day but I have still been with God every moment. 

Today my body started to reject the baby we were praying for. Now sitting here writing this I feel pain as my body tries to flush what was once a living little person from my body. I am at peace about loosing our child. It is a painful thing to think about and have a lifeless person inside of you but the fact the s/he is gone means s/he is alive in heaven. Celebrating eternal life with his Saviour. It is sad for us here on Earth but what a wonderful thing for our child to experience. And s/he got there before I did. Lucky kid. 

Now that baby is gone, I am excited about the pregnancy. 

I mourn that.

That I did not glorify God while s/he was with us. But I will glorify God now that s/he is not.

Amen

Sometimes a Child Just Knows What They're Talking About

If you have children or are close with children, you probably know that God speaks through them in ways that we as adults couldn't imagine ourselves doing.

Over the course of motherhood, my kids have said things that have had a huge impact on me. There have been times when things my kids have said something that brought me to tears instantly like when our 3rd daughter died and Jenny praised the Lord for her life the very day she found out and then took her grandmothers to church with her so matter-of-factly. There have been times when I've asked one of my kids to pray for something simple like "The baby's diaper needs to be changed, we're in the car and I've been looking for one for 10 mins. Could you please ask God for a diaper." and one just happens to be on top of the pile next to me after she's done praying. My kids are some of the strongest people I know. It's funny. I'm supposed to be their role model. I'm supposed to teach them things of life but often I find the roles reversed. 

Today I want to talk about my second daughter, Rainy. Rainy loves. She loves her Momma, she loves to help in the kitchen, she loves sitting next to the wood stove and she loves bugs.  She's at that age where she's coming to a very pure understanding of God but also starting to try to wrestle with the difficult things of life. Jenny did the same at her age and now with Rainy I'm finding myself amazed at the things she comes up with; all on her own. She is truly an inspiring girl.

Rainy had been sleeping in this huge papasan chair next to her closet for weeks. It's big enough that she was sleeping comfortably but after a few weeks I asked her why she kept sleeping there, she was going to end up having a backache, only half expecting an answer. She told me it was because she was afraid of the closet. I couldn't believe my ears. Before I had the chance to answer, Jenny, in passing, piped up and said "yeah she's afraid of bugs too." WHAT! What shocking news. I couldn't even process that information. This is the girl that built a worm farm, that took a caterpillar on the mary-go-round until it oozed green goo out of it's eye balls, that keeps what ever bugs she can find in any type of container. After a moment of complete and utter shock Rainy explained why she was doing what she was doing. With the bugs and now with the bed. This is one of those moments that make you stop and think about who is teaching who. 

Rainy said to me that if she was closer to the closet she wouldn't be afraid of it anymore. Rainy sleeps next to her fear. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief that my 7 year old would think of something so mature and profound to do. That will always stick with me. 



Recently Rainy, had a sewing accident. As she was threading her needle her hand slipped and hit the needle down button and the needle came down on her thumb. Right through. Both ends protruding through her skin. It was the worst day of her life as well as one of mine. She and I cried all the way to CHEO. She wasn't just crying about the pain but she was questioning God. Why would God let this happen and  why do I have to be so young going through such a terrible thing and Why couldn't God stop Satan.  I told her because God doesn't want to make someone love him. She responded with Well he could have at least trained him not to be so mean. She kept telling me she wanted her Daddy. Funny how she had an instinctual need for her fathers. She wanted answers and comfort from both her father in heaven and here on earth. A mother has such a gift to provide comfort to her children when they need it most but deep down a girl just needs her daddy. She told me she felt like she was in a dream but it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare. The one time I remember feeling that way was when my daughter died. That was the amount of emotional pain she was suffering.

How can a 7 year old possibly know how to ask questions like this? I can't say anymore on this because I am still blown away by it all but I needed to get it down in writing before I forgot these precious moments. 

I am very proud and humbled at the same time to be the mother of 6 little girls who have all taught me something very profound in life in many many ways. What a humbling experience it is to be shown something about life through the life of a little one. 

Jenny, Rainy, Pillar, Whisper and Charlie I am immensely proud of you. You do not see it all the time but you must always remember in the back of your mind that your mother couldn't be more proud of who you are, the girls you are and are becoming. I love you so very much. 

Love Mommer

Kid's... I'll Tell You When You're Older.

Content Disclaimer: Not for you yet children. When you are ready to get married you may read this post. But not until then.

Sex is boring! The sole purpose of sex is to release sexual tension built up throughout the day...or sometimes a few days so you can go to sleep, wake up the next morning, go through your day while your husband builds up more sexual tension, and do it all again. There's no doubt that it is pleasurable when it happens and that it does make for a better sleep but could I have done without it? Yeah. 

Making Love. Now that's something worth talking about. 

In Genesis 4:1 we read that Adam "knew his wife". I looked at the word "know" in Strong's Lexicon and here are all the definitions for the word to know.  Now I understand that they don't all pertain to the action of making love but just for fun I looked at them in that perspective and what I found was that they really all describe love making really well. I've put my favourites in bold and continue talking about them next. 

to know 

to know, learn to know 

to perceive 

to perceive and see, find out and discern 

to discriminate, distinguish 

to know by experience 

to recognise, admit, acknowledge, confess 

to consider

to know, be acquainted with

to know (a person carnally)

to know how, be skilful in

to have knowledge, be wise

to be made known, be or become known, be revealed

to make oneself known

to be perceived

to be instructed

to cause to know

to cause to know

to be known

known, one known, acquaintance

to make known, declare

to be made known

to make oneself known, reveal oneself

Learn to know it is something that you need to learn. It's been 10+ years since I started and it's only gotten better...much better. And it's going to get better. I can't even imagine that. 

Find out and discern Wow. There's a mental image. Find out what's right for you. For a long time the idea of oral sex was very unappealing. To some it will always be unappealing, but find out whether it is or not and discern.

To know by experience. Paul says in 1 Cor 7:1-5 that both husband and wife should not deprive the other of love making so that we are not tempted to do something stupid whether it is as horrid as watching pornography or temptation of another woman to letting built up sexual tension cause friction between husband and wife. Experience is the key here. Lots of experience. 

To recognize, admit, acknowledge, confess. This is probably my favourite of all of the definitions. Making love is not like sex. Making love ignites all the senses. Look at Song of Solomon In the first paragraph along this woman is using taste; with a kiss, drinking wine. She smells the pleasing fragrance of the oils he is using to rub on her, Touch; running together, the king brings her into his chambers. Sight, she is described, "do not stare at me because I am swarthy" she says. She asks her lover a question and listens for the answer. That is one paragraph. The whole book is like this. They make love on many accounts throughout this book and each time they are playing, having fun, talking, hiding, laughing. In the second paragraph the woman is talking about her house. "I love my house. What a wonderful couch we have, and the rafters are amazing." They are talking about everyday things. What an amazing time to confess and ask forgiveness. what a great way to say "I forgive you."

To Consider means to actually think about what he's saying. My husband is a closed type of person. It is hard for me to get any emotion from him mainly because I don't think he fully knows just how to put it. But during this time of talking, exploring, something important might just come out. I wouldn't jump all over my husband the moment he opens up because he'd just close up again, but considering what he says helps me to understand him a bit more all the time. 

To know how, be skilful in. Well that one speaks for itself. I used to be really paranoid about doing things the right or wrong way, I was insecure, I didn't even want to show my whole self off to my husband but we've done some couples studies together and through them you learn a lot. It has taken me 10 years to believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me 1000 times a day but it took that long. A lot of it had to do with the taboo of sex I had in my mind. My favourite study we did was by Mark and Grace Driscoll called REAL Marriage. Here is his series of sermons on the topic  In the book, which I recommend you read had an extensive section on sex. It was a great read. Also to be instructed goes along with this statement well. Don't be scared to ask if you're doing it right or wrong. 

Be revealed I loved this one because it is talking about me...It made me ashamed to "be revealed". Especially after a baby belly (some of my several marathon a year runner friends may not find this to be the case) but to my husband I was like Solomon's girl. If your husband doesn't make you feel like this, read Song of Solomon together...naked. Michael Pearl wrote a wonderful commentary on the Song of Solomon called Holy Sex. Get this book. I wish I still had it but I give all my good reads away.

To make oneself known Before Adam and Eve took the fruit they were naked and that's just the way it was. They were beautiful to each other and there was nothing to tell them otherwise. Until sin came along. Then they realized they were embarrassed. Mark Driscoll said one of my favourite lines about loving the beauty of ones spouse. He said “Don't cohabitate. Don't fornicate. Don't look at pornography. Don't create a standard of beauty. Have your spouse be your standard of beauty. This is one of the great devastating effects of pornography: you lust after people and compare your spouse to them. It's impossible to be satisfied in your marriage if you don't have a standard that is biblical; that standard is always your spouse.” Isn't that wonderful? Your standard of beauty is your own husband. Let him be comfortable with you and you with him. 

Declare! That one's a little hard to do when the kids are sleeping in the room next door. Just joking...a little. Well this blog post is certainly a declaration of what I know in my 10 short years of marriage which I hope is just the tip of the iceberg.

Can you believe all of that is from 1 word! To know. 

Well that was fun. 

Goodnight!

***As a quick addendum I'd like to state that making love takes a while and although I enjoy it quite a lot more than raw sex, there is definitely a time for plain ol' sex. Like at the end of a very long day, eyelids drooping and neither of you will stay awake for more than 15 more minutes. ***

Looking Back I Would Have Done it Differently

There's no doubt that I would do things differently if I could. There's also no use in regretting life. Without my life being as it was I wouldn't have the thing I have to offer young women as an encouragement to them.

Many women have a long list of great pieces of advice to share. I love listening to those lists. Those lists help me to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. Every Christian woman that I meet in my travels I always ask for their lists in one way or another. I have a list! It is a long list. I have lots of things I want to share. But my list is a little different. My list is a list of What-Not-To-Do's. I didn't get much right in the early years of womanhood. (My definition of womanhood is 13 and up)

Recently I had an opportunity to speak on a panel to some young women or to who most would call teenagers. There we some questions that were already prepared and the young ladies also had opportunity to ask their own questions and I was thrilled to be able to share my story with them. One of the questions was "What would you do differently looking back or what advice could you give these ladies." This is my favourite question IN THE WORLD!

Here it is:

I would have made better relationships. I would have challenged the ones I was in. Here are the specific relationships I would have worked differently on. I'll give you a bit of history on each one without showing any disrespect to each.

My Mother
For anyone who knew me when I was a teenager you would know that this was a tough relationship. I was very hard on my mom. I was very rebellious. Maybe it was because of the knowledge of life that I lacked but even if my mother would have had a desire to share her life experience with me I would have rejected it in an instant. I did not desire this relationship at all. I pushed her out of my life and sought what I needed from her elsewhere; I sought it in a sexually immoral relationship, I sought it in another woman who could play the role of my mother, I sought it in every act of disobedience I could think of including piercings, coloured hair, bad words, cutting...It's a wonder that my mother even continued pursuing our relationship. I'm not sure she was ready for such a tough kid. I don't think she was prepared to guide me away from this path I put myself on.

Ruth and Naomi had a really interesting start to their relationship together. Naomi was a Godly woman. That's something we can clearly see. She knows the Lord. But something interesting struck me as I was preparing to speak to these ladies. Ruth seeks out her mother in-law. Naomi doesn't say "Your husband has died. This is a terrible time of life for you and I want to care for you. I want to teach you everything I know and comfort you." No! She says "Ruth, go home. Go back to your people." What does Ruth say next? She begs Naomi to let her come with her. Naomi, again, tells her to go home. But Ruth is persistent. She wants to go with the woman she knows will nurture her. Naomi may not have been prepared to nurture this young widow. She must not have felt adequate. But Ruth persisted until Naomi said yes. Then the rest of the book we see her care for her daughter. Teach her how to do things. Make wise decisions for her and with her.

If I could do things again I would be persistent. I would seek my mother out and ask her questions she didn't know. I would ask her to teach me things and we'd wrestle through my thoughts, ideas, and problems together. I would have given her opportunity to teach me and to train me and to learn how to raise a young woman.

My Church
The more I read scripture the more I understand how important it is to have elders in authority over me so I am not just a free spirit able to do anything at my whim. Over and over scripture tells us the roles of elders in a Church and the reason for that is so the body is growing and healthy. We as members should feel comfortable to ask elders questions we don't know the answers to. We should bring them issues that need to be dealt with like Christ lays out in Matt 18:15-17 and then they shouldn't be afraid to deal with them.

Looking back I should have asked the church elders hard questions that were on my mind like "Why is sex before marriage wrong?" or "help me with my relationship with my mother." or "I'm cutting myself and need to stop. Help me."  But on the other hand, while I was sinning, no one approached me about that. And that may be in part because of our society today that makes certain topics awkward to speak about.

My advice to young people is to talk with your elders and pastor. Ask them what their role as leaders are. Is it mainly to keep the church organized or is it also to Shepard the sheep and practice biblical church discipline as Christ outlines it? Believe it or not I crave discipline. When I do something wrong these days, my desire is that someone would tell me if I haven't realized it. Proverbs 10:17 says that is good.

If you who are reading are ever looking for a church or are in a church where your elders are not practicing biblical truths, seek a church that will nurture you in your walk with God. Meet with elders, email lists of questions. Be in a healthy place (Note that if you are in a church, SPEAK WITH YOUR ELDERS ABOUT THIS BEFORE CONSIDERING LEAVING BECAUSE EITHER WAY THEY LOVE YOU AND MAY JUST MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE OF YOUR COURAGE TO SPEAK)

An Older Woman
I did not have a mentor when I was young. I did not seek a mentor when I was young. The closest thing I had to a mentor was my husband's mother whose relationship I cherished very deeply. She comforted me in a very difficult time in life. She loved me and I let her love me like a mother. I am deeply grateful for her love, support, and comfort that she showed me. It wasn't a mentorship though and I don't think it would have been appropriate for her to have been my life mentor just as your own mother shouldn't be your mentor to a certain degree. Sometimes the problems are with your own mother therefor you need someone to mentor you and guide you in what to do about that.

I understood the biblical principle of mentorship when I moved to Oregon. My very good friend who was ahead of me in life, almost to a T, by about 15 years agreed to mentor me. I'd like to note that I asked her to mentor me. I didn't wait for her to ask. And guess what? She was thrilled to say yes. Evey Monday she would make me a cup of tea, send all the kids to her backyard to play and let me spill everything that was going on in life. She helped me to be who I am today through Christ. If I had known this was something I was supposed to have, I would have had it looooong before Oregon. I moved back to Canada and realized I couldn't email her every time I needed advice because it was different and difficult not to be able to pray and cry to her. I needed someone here that I could do that with. I do have a mentor here as well now and I love her to pieces. A relationship with an older woman in the faith is so important. She may not have all the answers but she will try to get them, or at least work through them with you. The bible tells older women to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children. Go figure, it doesn't happen naturally. And why does an older woman in the faith need to have this role? Because it probably took them a long time to learn how to love their husbands and children just right :)



Life has been tough. And life continues to be tough but tough is what makes life worthwhile. James spends his whole book talking about how struggles form who you are in Christ. And the more you struggle the more genuine your faith becomes.(1 Pet 1:6-7) But God puts specific relationships in our lives for a reason. I wish I had grabbed them a long time ago but I am making up for lost time now.

A Needed Prayer

Wow. Really needed to hear this today. Maybe you did too.

Prayer for Spiritual Strength

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 

from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,

that according to the riches of His glory, 

he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, 

being rooted and grounded in love, 

may have strength to comprehend with all the saints 

what is the bredth, 

   and the length

and the height

and depth,

and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,

that you may be filled with all the fullness of God

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. 

Amen. 

Gossip in God's Name

"Please pray for my husband...he is so insensitive and does not nurture the children the way he should. When they cry he just lets them be bla bla bla bla"

"Please pray for my husband....He is so stubborn. There are many things he just wont listen to me about. He doesn't agree with me about ____he doesn't think _____is right bla bla bla bla"

"Please pray for my husband....He doesn't care for the body God gave him and he's gaining weight, he's unhealthy, he eats junk food, he bla bla bla bla bla."

"Please pray for my husband....we had an argument. It was about _______[explains the argument in detail]"

"Please pray for my husband...he wants me to give up my Independence and stay home with the kids. He doesn't think I should be working and I believe God wants me to be _____"

"Please pray for my husband....He doesn't help me around the house with chores. I'm stuck doing everything and it seems like he has no care for me bla bla bla bla"

and this list goes on

and on

and

on

and

on

How many times have we been at a ladies bible study or group, time for prayer requests come along and we hear prayer requests for their husbands? Maybe we have even been the ones offering prayer requests for our own husbands. This isn't bad is it? Prayer for our husbands is absolutely always in order however discernment for the things we ask for in prayer with groups should be considered before we go sharing our deepest feelings about who is supposed to be our deepest love on earth.

I can't tell you what the line is between what to ask and what not to ask in prayer but I can tell you, considering a couple of things before you bring a request before others is probably a good idea. Over the course of womanhood, I have grown a tainted view toward certain men solely because of how a woman brought up a prayer request. It degrades their husbands to the point where they are thought of as rude, mean, selfish etc, all because a woman had a lack of respect OR that couple had an argument on that particular day and needed to vent. This is gossip. It is also using the Lords name in vain. When we spread around gossip in the name of prayer that is really in the name of God. It is sinful.

Consider these things before you share your most raw moments with others. First of all, spend some time with God and ask him these questions as well as yourself.
1. Is what you are saying going to tear your husband down?
2. Is what you are asking honouring to God and to your husband?
3. Is what your asking something that truly should be changed from your husbands end?
4. Consider how you can make a change that will help the situation
5. Is it really a request that everyone needs to hear about or do you just want the attention of people feeling sorry for your circumstance? (you may not be consciously seeking attention but God may reveal this to you if you ask.)

Using the examples from the beginning, here are some honouring ways of offering a prayer request that might be appropriate

"Please pray that my husband and I would nurture the children the way they need in life that they will not depart from the Lord like the Bible says in Proverbs."

"My husband and I have had a lot of disagreements lately. Whether I'm right or wrong, I just wand to know what God's perspective is and do what is right and honour my husband."

"I want to make sure my family is eating healthy. Please pray that I would be able to make good decisions when doing groceries and cooking."

Never tell a group about a specific argument in detail. It has no benefit.

"I'm struggling whether I should stay at home and not work. Please pray for my study in scripture about this and conversations that are to come with my husband."

"I'm feeling overworked and stressed with all the house work. Please pray that I can organize better and overlook things that seem to bother me when they done get done."

Often what happens when we make a change as women, is our husband see the change and they want to change for the better also. When we respect our husbands the way we are supposed to, they start loving on us the way they are supposed to. This is the biblical model God has set out for us. Eph 5 says it beautifully.

All women should have another older wiser woman that she can share her frustrations with. Someone who is not going to change their perspective on your husband no matter what they say. Someone that if you told "I'm so frustrated that my husband doesn't_______________" will respond with "Well, what can you do about this situation from your end?" rather than "Yeah well, your husband needs to learn to ______________".  Too often the second is the advice when we share these requests in pride. What does this do? Well, bitterness toward our husbands step in and begins to fester and the more we hear advice like this the more we dislike our husbands. I've been there. There was a time when I did not love my husband anymore and it was almost done...I did not surround myself with women who would still look well on my husband no matter what his shortcomings were.



One note of caution on the contrary: When we don't talk to anyone about our husbands shortcomings it can create a lonely place and lies become your reality. I've spent almost the last 2 years not telling anyone of my frustrations and hurts at home. It's just been me, trying to deal with pain and not allowing God to help me heal. I've been moving back and forth to and from Oregon trying to hold onto mentors in both places but because of all the moving there wasn't really a constant.  It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I gained enough trust in my mentor here in Canada that I was able to get some of these things off my chest. Did her perspective of my husband change? No. She still sees him as a strong man even though she knows of some of his short comings. So don't keep everything in ladies. It's important to talk about your struggles in an honouring way but it's not a group event.

If He Wants Junk Food, Let Him Have it!

I love eating healthy. I love knowing what is going into my body and I love making good food but when I'm away I can always count on my left home girls to eat junk food all weekend long with Daddy. Not that he isn't a good cook because he is (he makes a mean meat loaf) and not that he doesn't want to, but to the Little's, cuddling up with just their daddy watching a movie on a laid out sheet, munching on popcorn and pizza is their idea of the best time IN THE WORLD! Ask any of them what they want to do and it's "watch a movie with Daddy!"

So, instead of fussing in my mind about all the terrible ingredients being ingested into their small meek little bodies, I decided to let them have their junk food and be okay with it. Because I made it :)

I'm leaving this weekend with my two oldest girls on a camping trip. I'm so looking forward to the food we have prepared. I've spent the last few days dehydrating 8-10lbs of veggies and apples into maybe 2lbs and have dried tortellinis ready to boil up on a cool evening. The rest back at home also have a delicious menu I'm sad to miss. Home made pizza pockets (something hubby definitely would have picked up), ravioli's and meat sauce (just like from the can but not) and popping corn with seasonings. I picked up a popcorn maker for $1 at the thrift shop.

I'm sure there will be some consumption of some tasty junk from the store at some point this weekend but I know I've made a valiant effort to have junk food readily available for them.

I love my family :)

$100 a Week for 7? I This So.

$100 a week for groceries is hardly anything for the average 4 person North American family let alone a family of 7. It's doable though. We've been on a $60-$100 a week budget for groceries for the last year. $100 would be on the generous side.

So whether your husband's job is downsizing, your saving for something special or you'd just like to try living a little more thrifty, I'm going to share some tips I have come up with, do's and don't's, and techniques to get your grocery budget down. If you don't want to read this whole massive post, I've put in bold the topics of each paragraph. Read what applies to your needs.

The first set of general tips are these:
DO:

• Cook a lot of soup
• Make things in bulk. Any soup or sauces-always make it in the stock pot. Freeze it or eat it several times a week. 
• learn to bake your own bread. Bake 3 loaves at a time to save on energy costs. 
• Make meals that require cut meat, not whole pieces of it. (ie, don't serve chicken breast for dinner. Serve chicken Alfredo instead. I use 2 large chicken breast for 1 meal for 7 eaters. Cut it up small and there's chicken in every bite)
• Reuse rejected parts of your last meal (ie cook chicken for dinner then save all the juice for soup. Or use the leaves of beats in salad)
• Make 1 dish meals. 
• Drink really good juice instead of fresh fruit. But is has to be good juice. Learn how to read a label. We buy V8 Splash and stock up when it's on sale. Each glass counts as 2 servings of fruit and veggies and it is delicious. 
• Find a local farmer and buy eggs in bulk. We buy eggs by the 15 dozen. Its cheaper than other breakfast options. My family will eat 10 eggs all together for breakfast. Our eggs are $1.80 this way. If you are too few to buy 15 doz eggs, do a share at work or with friends. Or prepare omelets (don't cook them) with all your ingredients and freeze them individually. Who doesn't love a nice hot omelet before a busy work day. It's really only possible if it's already prepared. 
• Use online tools to help you make a meal. If you are feeling uncreative and your cupboards are getting bare you can go to  http://allrecipes.com/search/default.aspxms=1&origin=Home%20Page&rt=r&qt=i  pick ingredients you have, and staple items that you don't have. So if you know you don't have any milk or butter left put that in the "I don't want section" and see what recipes come up. I'm going to do an experiment. I'm going to say I have carrots, flour, onions, sour cream and say I don't have milk, butter, or honey and see what happens (I just chose those randomly right now.) ... waiting...Awesome. It came up with potato pancakes and pickle soup. 
• Use what you have in the fridge. Don't let things go bad. Make button soup if something is going to go bad. 

DON'T:

• Buy packaged food. It will cost you way more money. My family would need 1.5 of anything pre-made in a box which will cost about $15 per dinner as opposed to the $6/meal soups you'll see later. 
• Buy things full price. Shop on the half priced veggie shelf (As long as you can freeze or cook that day. There is a reason why they are half off. Because they are almost bad)
• Restrict yourself if you don't have the right item. Try substituting for other things. 
• Mind eating the same thing more than once in a week. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. (It's just food. There's no rule saying you have to eat a different meal every night except your pride.) Eat what you have and don't throw things out. 
• Snack-you don't need to. And if you really want a good snack watching TV, make your own popcorn. It's easy and satisfying. And cheap. It about $4 for a bag of kernals which make at least 10 nights worth. If you eat snacks at night it works out to about $.40/night instead of $2/per night for a bag of chips. 

The first thing is you're going to need to learn how to do is cook without a recipe. I'm going to write a few idea's of how to do this but this stage is very experimental. If you've used a lot of recipes in the past you might be scared to venture away from the page but to your benefit you have a huge background of knowledge locked down in your brain waiting to burst out. If you are an open-the-box-and-put-it-in-the-oven type of cooker, this is going to be a little more challenging.

SOUP
Soup is so easy. Always cook soup in bulk. Get a big stock pot and make sure it's full every time you use it. This will save you time and money. Cooking in bulk will always save money because you can buy out all the sale veggies at once and then use them all before they actually go bad.

• See-through soup is typically broth based. Saute onions and any other sauteable veggies before adding liquid. Then add your liquid whether its broth, water or tomato juice. Then add in whatever else you want. 
•  I don't cook enough whole chickens to make my own broth anymore so I buy a natural bullion. It is a bit more expensive but everything else is really bad for you. If you cook whole chicken, save the bones, boil them in a stock pot of water with already sauteed onions and add in carrots and celery for about 3 hrs or until almost half of the liquid is boiled down. It will need lots of salt
• Let's say you want chicken noodle soup. Start with onions (about 5 or 6) and mushrooms (a couple packages). Soften them up. Then add the appropriate amount of broth. I use an entire package of the natural bullion for one batch of soup. (10 squares for $4) Also at this time add in other veggies like potatoes, carrots, celery. Add 4 chicken breast or so to the pot. You can do more if you want. Everything is pretty much done when the chicken is done. Take the chicken out and shred it how ever you'd like. I would suggest cooking the pasta separately and adding it into the soup only when it is cool otherwise your noodles will disintegrate. Use egg noodles for the perfect Chicken noodle soup.  That's it. So this pot of soup which will last us about 4 meals cost me a $3 package of onions, $2 sale mushrooms, $4 broth, $2 carrots, $9 chicken, $2 pasta. Total $22 for 4 meals for family of 7. That's about 20 adult portions of soup for $22. That's $1.10 per bowl (up to the rim and maybe even seconds) of soup. Not Bad. The great thing with a button soup like this is you can get rid of any random assortment of I'm-most-likely-going-to-throw-the-rest-of-that-out veggies into it cutting the cost even lower. 
• Creamy soup can be done two ways. You can either puree everything you just made like in the recipe above (minus the noodles) or you can use a cream base or in our budget cutting case, milk. 
• To make a chowder cream base soup melt some butter in the bottom of the pan. In this case since we're using a ginormous pot use a cup of butter. Then whisk in enough flour that your butter doesn't become dry but is gooey. Probably 1 or 1.5 cups. It should be nice and thick but not like dough at all. More like wet glue. This will act as a thickening agent. Add plenty of milk, probably a whole bag (3 bags really if you're Canadian otherwise a whole jug of milk) and whisk constantly until it starts to thicken. This will take about 10 mins. Once it starts to thicken add whatever you want! How about a whole  bag of corn? Peas? Sauteed onions? Potatoes? You can blend this soup as well if you want to. If you have enough flour in the soup you can add in as much water as you did milk to make it stretch. As long as it stays thick. If you find it really needs more thickness, DO NOT ADD FLOUR DIRECTLY INTO YOUR HOT POT! You'll get disgusting blobs of dough that are impossible to whisk away. Whisk more flour with COLD milk or water and then add it into your soup. You'll be safe then. So this pot of soup probably wont yield as much as the soup above but lets say it will serve 3 meals for my 7 people. That's about 15 adult portions. $2 half a pound of butter, $7 milk, $6 any veggies added. That's $15 and about $1 per bowl. 
• To make a veggie based cream soup like butternut sqash soup (mmmm my favourite, and soooo easy) cook your main ingredient thoroughly. What I do is buy 2 squash. Pay attention to  the shape. You want to get 4 halves in the oven at the same time. If you can get more in, do it. Chop a few onions and place them on your baking tray. Put plenty of blobs of butter over the onions. Then place you halved squash, skin side up onto the onions. If you can try to bunch the onions in piles to fit in the holes of the squash. Bake until you can very easily poke a fork through. Now if your oven is broken like mine is, saute onions and butter in your stock pot then put your large pieced of squash in the pot and put enough broth in to cover the squash. Boil it until you can easily poke a fork through the skin. Then take them out and remove the skin (tip, cool them first :) do the same if you cooked yours in the oven and add the broth. Remember, it's worth more to you to make a full pot of soup BUT here's a tip: never put more liquid than substance in a cream soup. So if you have 12 cups of substance you shouldn't be adding more than 12 cups liquid. Alright back to the soup. Put all the squash meat back into your pot and and use a hand blender to blend it all together until there are no lumps left. If your budget allows for you to get cream you can add a small carton otherwise add some milk. Depending on how much soup you've made, you might add in a 1 liter bag of milk. Maybe less but you don't want to dilute your deliciousness. So Butternut squash soup costs $2 half a bag of onions, about $7 squash, $4 broth, $2 milk. $15 for this pot which makes about 2 meals worth for us with maybe some left overs. So lets say 12 adult portions of soup from this pot. That's $1.25 per bowl of soup. Now with this type of soup you could thicken a portion using the flour, milk method, heat it up, add some substance like shredded carrots, slightly melt in some brie or parm and voila! Pasta sauce. That didn't cost you much. You just made a new meal out of your left overs.

Alright, that's a long post. I think I'm done for now. If anyone would like any specific tips, please leave a comment and I'll dedicate another blog to this topic. 

Good Grief!

I remember hearing this saying often when I was a child. I'm not sure from where; maybe my mother, maybe t.v. I don't know but what truth is in this statement! Jesus tells us the truth in this statement in Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn.

Now if you've been reading my blog you'll notice I'm mentioned the sermon on the mount a couple of times now. I want you to know that I don't only read the sermon on the mount. I love it all. I like referring to the sermon because it is so incredibly black and white, clean cut, clear to read, strait to the point, and right from the mouth of our Saviour while he was here on earth. The whole bible is strait from his mouth mind you (John 1:1) but this part is spoken to us by God the son; man, human being; to us, people, human beings.

Back to my post; Blessed are those who mourn. What a contradictory statement. How can we be blessed in a time of mourning? How can we feel hope and freedom and grace and everything else that comes through the death of Christ when we lose someone we love? How do we loose a child or parent or sister or friend and say to ourselves "Well, God says I'm blessed so this is good." What a hard thing to even consider thinking about.

What if we lead lives that were great, all around. We had good jobs, we didn't loose anyone in our lives except perhaps through old age, you never experience tragedy, you've never been hurt to the inner most part of you, you have a great marriage because you and your spouse agree on everything, you have a nanny for your children so you don't even need to teach or train them and by the time you see them in the evenings they've been prepped to be obedient pleasant little children, you go on holidays, you have a disposable income for special times etc...Would you have lead the ideal life? Not really.

When our 3rd daughter, Ellie, died we were in total mourning. There were months of time off work, months of no cooking as our church, family and friends provided it to us, months of just stopped life. In the moment would I have traded that pain for anything? YES. Now would I? Absolutely not. If we hadn't gone through that raw state of grief we wouldn't know just how great great is. Everything would be on level ground. Happy would feel almost the same as sad. There was no concept of the plain of difference between the two. We would live in a state of grey instead of black and white.

In Romans 5:20 we read that the law in the old testament was put into place so that sin would increase. So that there was a line between black and white. So that when you did wrong you'd know damn well what you did was wrong. But the verse doesn't stop there. We know as Christians that we have died to sin. We have risen again through Christ. Sin's chains no longer hold us down no matter how much it feels that way sometimes. Christ came to break those chains apart. We don't live in the black anymore, we live in the white. The white is grace. Here's the second half of Romans 5:20: But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Here's the white. We live in God's grace. The black is there so that the white will abound even more than we could have imagined if there had been no black at all. Verse 21 says: So that as sin reigned in death (BLACK) grace might also reign through righteousness leading to [WHITE:] ETERNAL LIFE :) :) :) through Jesus Christ our Lord. We know good more because of bad. We know happiness more because of sadness, we know joy more because of grief, we know perseverance more because of trials in our live.

Jesus says Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted because you will know a comfort and happiness far surpassing all understanding if you go through hard times such as loosing a loved one; hard times with your spouse; trying times with a rebellious child.

Blessed are you readers, who go through hard times. Persevere through them and come out with a greater understanding and capability of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against these things there is no black [law]. (Gal 5:22-23)

The "It's not fair" Mentality of a Virtuous Woman

To tell you the truth, the statement in the title contradicts itself. Think of all the situations where you might declare "That's not fair!" Here are some:

• Kids all ran out of the kitchen after breakfast leaving mom to do all of clean up on her own. "That's not fair!"
• Guy speeds past you on the highway so you think you can go a little faster to find 2 mins later your being pulled over by a cop. "That's not fair."
• Your husband finishes work and there's still TONS of laundry to do, he kicks up his heals, puts on the TV while wifey is STILL working into the night..."That's not fair!"
• After 3 days of being up all night with one sick kid preparing yourself for a full nights sleep tonight you find out at 2 in the morning that the next kid is sick...or to make it worse 3 more kids are sick at the same time. "That's not fair."
• You look at another mother trotting around in heals, lipstick and a lovely countenance and think to yourself "Where in the world does she have time to smile let alone put lipstick on?" "That's not fair."

I'm sure you could come up with quite a few more. 

Well, yesterday I had a "That's not fair!" Moment although my pride would probably say otherwise. I never did udder the words "That's not fair." because I think those words are contrary to how we should be living our Christian lives but my attitude sure did say otherwise. 

Last year we attended a wonderful library program. Every week the kids would do a really great craft. Not the kind that you will just toss out or misplace but "gift worthy" crafts. Ones that have either all been given away as gifts or are still hanging around the house. Well this year I signed up the 3 older kids and we happened to miss the first class. I can't remember why. And then last week I completely spaced on it so we didn't make it either. But this week we were all ready to go and getting 6 little girls into a Kia Rondo is quite the task (1 girl is not mine). When we arrived, the librarian, whom is a very lovely lady, looked at me in surprise upon seeing me and told me I hadn't registered the kids and therefor couldn't stay this week so we would have to come next week. Clearly she was ticked off with me for not coming the previous two weeks but who was even more clear about being ticked was myself. And I made it known to all who were present. 

"Well, I thought I had signed them up for the whole summer just like last year." 

"Nope. You have to sign up every week."

"O...K...I'll sign them up for next week then."

The librarian asked me their names. "Jenny, Rainy, Pillar." Then she asked their ages. "9, 6 and 4." Right away the response was "Ah! 4 is too young" followed by a proud strong solid line crossed right through Pillar's name. Oh was I mad now. With eyebrows raised I said as short as I possibly could "OK. We'll be here next week then." No eye contact. Just a statement and off I went.

As the kids gaily dashed to the park to play I steamed my way over. As usual I can count on Jenny to try to boost my spirits when I'm clearly frustrated. She says "don't worry mom, we don't mind playing at the park today instead :)" What a sweet child. That's the kind of attitude Christ expects us to have in times of trial such as the one I was in.

As I sat on the bench contemplating what I was going to say when the craft was over and I had time to talk with the librarian I became more and more humble. First, I was going to wait until it was over to talk to her. Then I changed my mind and decided I would pull her aside during the craft. Then the thought came to mind that all the children and parents saw my "that's not fair" behaviour and therefor they also need to witness my setting things right and bringing glory to God in this situation. I knew what I had to do.

As Jenny watched the kids for a moment I went back into the building.  I apologized for everyone to see. Then I got her explanation. Last week, she was short on supplies and risking being late for the activity, Mme. ran back to her home to fetch just enough supplies for my children just to find out that I wouldn't show up...again. Of course she was short with me. Of course she demanded we sign up every week from now on. Of course her expectation of me had been let down, more than once and all of a sudden this "That's not fair" mindset dissipated. It was one of those moments of instant humility for me.

When is it ever okay to say "That's not fair?" For who? Aren't we living for God? So what does it matter if someone offends us, or if we have a little extra work to do, or if we don't look the way the perfect mom in high heels and lipstick looks. So what? Where is the focus? Have we put to focus on ourselves? Of course we have. And what is it called when the focus ends up anywhere other than God? IDOLATRY. We've made ourselves into little emotional hormonal idols when we pity ourselves because it isn't about God anymore.

Jesus teaches us how to stay away from this form of idolatry. He tells us to lay up treasures in heaven, not on earth. Our earthly things will be destroyed but our treasure in heaven will remain forever. (He's talking about our actions...Godly actions lead to goodly life...before and after death of the flesh) (Matt 6:19) He tells us in Matt 5:43-48 that we are to love those who don't treat us well because it's not up to us to make things fair. It's God's job to make things just. He'll take care of it. We don't need to worry about it. We just do the right thing. Isn't that what we teach our children? I tell my kids all the time "I'm the mom. Don't worry about being one yet. Make friendships with your sisters not rivalries." How about when Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek? When someone hurts you don't hurt them back, just know that God will do his work. (Matt 5:33-37)

Man I love the sermon on the mount. It makes life so clear. We just have to make an effort to meditate on Gods word day and night. (Josh 1:8) That doesn't mean read the Bible AAALLLLL day long. Every mother knows that's not possible but it is possible to remember God's commands AAAALLLLL day long. Remember God does not want us to have the "That's not fair" heart. He'll take care of things.


(Just want to be very clear that I was the one in the wrong in this situation. Some of these verses are specifically regarding people who do evil against you. In this case, it was my sin, not my friend's that caused me to feel "that's not fair".)