Hold Fast to Me

Content Disclaimer: Not for you yet children. I would rather tell you about it and skip some of the details. You can read this when you're older. 


 I am discovering more and more that when I write, it is first to glorify God and next for myself. Whoever happens to read upon my writings are simply the fruit of the work God is doing. I find myself writing when I've had a revelation of some kind or am passionate about something or something drastic happens that I need to work though by writing. If you are reading, you are just enjoying my working myself out.

I just reread exactly what I wrote in my last post knowing there would be some crazy parallels to this one. This is the continuation of that story of hope. If you have time read the last one again before reading this one.



Yesterday I experienced joy in a way I had no idea joy could be felt. I don't even know if by the end of this you will truly understand what I am feeling because I don't know if I am capable of writing it all down.

I was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning. 2 Actually. The first one wasn't equipped to take care of the massive amount of bleeding I was experiencing and the life saving procedures that, unaware, needed to follow. I lost consciousness several times as Dan drove as fast as he could through the snow drifts in the dark of night. He could only just barely reach 100km/hr as far as I could tell when I was awake.

Thinking back on that 20 minute drive I realise how selfish I have been. I have complained about him. I have been bitter toward him. I have been rejecting him for many years. (I'm sure most wouldn't notice and would not think twice at these things but in my heart I know I have felt them.) Dan, you are constantly my hero. Whether you feel it or not. Last night once again you put on your armour and fought for my life. I love you more than I can express right now. I love you 1000 times more than I did the day before and I am sorry for not edifying you the way you HEAP praise on me when I am completely unworthy of it. You are my man. You are the person I can count on. You will always hold my hand and you will never let me down. Please forgive me for the lack of love I have shown you.

Dan held my hand all the way demanding me to squeeze, shake or bounce it. I think I did a pretty good job. I woke up to the sound of him crying out to God telling Him not to take me. I must of stopped squeezing. He'd tell me to say something and I would repeat the same thing over and over and over again because he told me to. He carried me into the hospital. He told funny jokes...yes funny jokes, for the next many hours. He made so many people laugh. I haven't laughed this much in a very long time.

Dan didn't ride with me to the next hospital. I felt fine. I got the impression that everything was going to be fine because there wasn't a sense of urgency from the one hospital but I think my condition changed drastically as they rolled me into the ER. I was told later that they weren't prepared for what they had to deal with. I was told my lips went see through and my skin was white. My vains had all become flat. I had some very interesting procedures done such a drilling into my knee bone to get a direct IV in there, having a small catheter like tube inserted into the vain in my neck, having a blood transfusion, receiving a total 6 litres of fluid within about 2 hours

As I layed on the table with all of this happening I saw many people. I even chatted with some of them. One of the nurses has 4 children. Almost as many as me. And he was young too. Dan was in and out smiling when there was a space for him, making me laugh, wishing me a happy Valentines day. But through all the business there were moments of peace. I remember looking up at the ceiling thinking to my Lord I might see you today. And I would be very happy to see you.  I wasn't scared in the least. Then my worldly momma/wife instinct kicked in and I asked Jesus to leave me here for a while so they would be okay. And he did.

I went to have the operation done once my snake needle had been inserted into my neck. (I can't help but gross people out sometimes...sorry) I looked up at my favourite nurse who had been so nice and was joking with me while Dan couldn't I asked him if I almost died. He told me yes. My heart could have stopped at any time.

When I woke up from surgery which was about 5 minutes later (but actually more like an hour and a half) I heard the funniest beeping. It was my heart monitor. I started to cry. I looked sad but was overflowing with joy and happiness. I could hear the monitor rushing faster and faster so the nurse told me I needed to stop crying.

Since then, every so often I start to cry in between laughing with my husband because I am too overwhelmed to comprehend the Grace of God. I can't believe I am still here. I kept telling Dan life is going to be so different. And it is. How could it not. I was almost not here. My 5 children almost didn't have a momma and my husband who can't live without me would have had to.

Although what is waiting for us in Heaven is the prize, the fact that God spared my earthly life gives me such a deeper understanding of His salvation. It's tangible now. I comprehend first hand what it means for your life to be saved. But God can save anyones life. ANYONE. It doesn't have to be like this story. It most likely won't be. He saves people out of darkness. He makes it so that people don't have to sin. But if He doesn't save you, you won't be scooped up in his loving arms in the end. Cry out to him and ask him to save you. You'll never feel another embrace you like He does as long as you cling to him. As long as you hold fast to him. Let him care for you. Life won't be easy after accepting his embrace. It will still be hard. My family has lost a daughter/sister, have had 2 miscarriages, have almost been separated but despite all the crap that goes on in life there will be hope.  There will always be hope. 

I Will Give the Glory to God

My mind has been a bit of a mess this week. There has been a constant flurry of bible stories running through my mind. I've been meditating on which one I want to mimic and which one's my heart, soul and body have been mimicking.

There's the centurion from Luke 2 who came telling Christ that his servant was dying. He told Christ if he would just say the word he believed his servant would be well and there was no need for Christ to come. What did he feel like going home? Did he have every assurance that his servant would be well? 

Then there's David who when his first child was dying he fasted with his head to the ground for 7 days. (2 Sam 12:14-23) And then when the child died he got up, washed himself, changed his clothes, worshiped the Lord, ate something and carried on. 

I think about the countless times that the people of God mourn in their appearance by dressing themselves in clothing of mourning. 

Mary and Martha called for Christ when their brother Lazarus died. They waited and waited and waited. It took Christ 4 days to get to them. Mary cried out to him prostrating herself before him "Why didn't you come!" Clearly she had been in mourning those last 4 days. 

The one that I have meditated most on is when Christ is in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. In Matthew 26:39 it says And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." 

To tell you the truth I haven't been eager about this pregnancy. I've been waiting for time to get me excited about it. I kept telling myself, I will be excited eventually but for now I will not worry or be excited. I was a little complacent about the whole thing. This past Monday I had my first ultrasound scheduled. I was looking forward to it because I would probably be excited about the baby once I saw it for the first time. I was excited about becoming excited. As my 3 littlest ones watched the screen they were shortly after excused so a more thorough ultrasound could be done so they waited in the hall. I could see the news wasn't good news but the technician spoke in possibilities. She didn't see the baby but suggested it may be too early. This is when thoughts went rushing through my head. Not bad thoughts. More thoughts of hope. 

My midwife called the next day to tell me the pregnancy didn't look like it was viable. Still, there was that possibility that it could go the other way for the better. Should I act like the centurion who only needed to ask Gods word and his servant would be healed? Should I be like David who mourned his child while it's life was uncertain? Should I mourn the baby as Mary and Martha mourned Lazarus knowing in their hearts that he was dead? I wouldn't give in to the third at all. 

That night Whisper got the flu. I had heard of the flu going around for the second time in a few months and was hoping it wouldn't strike our home. I heard this strain was a very violent one. One that lasted days and was a constant flow of vomit. It takes so long  for a mamma to recoup after 5 kids going through the flu. Maybe that's why I myself haven't had it in years. I woke up to the sound of Whisper being sick. I hopped out of bed at first with an attitude of I may be about to have a miscarriage. What an inopportune time for the kids to be getting sick. I need someone to take care of me. How will I take care of my babes. I am going to be up all night and all I want to do is sleep. God had other plans. And I believe he let Whisper become sick to make me stronger. After that split minute moment of selfishness I thought to myself this is such a great time for me to cherish the babes I have in my arms.  I brought Whisper to my room, slathered her in oils to help fight the sickness, turned on the defuser with the same oils and slept with her on the couch. She threw up 3 times that night. I was expecting an all-nighter. Actually I slathered all of the kids with oils the next day. None of the other girls got sick. And even if they are yet to get sick, it won't have been all at once like every other time. The Lord is good. 

God puts trials in our lives so that we can be stronger. Whisper being sick could have been a why-me-wallow-in-my-own-misery type of trial but he wants us to take joy in our trials as James tells us. It's the joy in our trials that make us stronger. 

The next day or two, I can't remember it's been a blur has been that constant flow of thoughts but never giving up hope. Always praising God in the midst of a possible tragedy. Always thinking about Christ asking God to take this cup from him. Jesus still went to the cross because he loves us so much. If he hadn't loved us he would't have died for us. But I don't picture buddy Jesus taking up his cross at Calvary. I picture a man almost beaten to death but still hanging on so he can be the final sacrifice, tired, and in pain but I'm sure he was with his Father the whole time. I have been with the Father every moment of my waking days since Monday and it is such a wonderful feeling.  I have asked him to take this cup from me but if it is his will that the baby should die let His will be done and not my own. I have not been happy every moment, and I have sinned as I do every day but I have still been with God every moment. 

Today my body started to reject the baby we were praying for. Now sitting here writing this I feel pain as my body tries to flush what was once a living little person from my body. I am at peace about loosing our child. It is a painful thing to think about and have a lifeless person inside of you but the fact the s/he is gone means s/he is alive in heaven. Celebrating eternal life with his Saviour. It is sad for us here on Earth but what a wonderful thing for our child to experience. And s/he got there before I did. Lucky kid. 

Now that baby is gone, I am excited about the pregnancy. 

I mourn that.

That I did not glorify God while s/he was with us. But I will glorify God now that s/he is not.

Amen