Looking Back I Would Have Done it Differently

There's no doubt that I would do things differently if I could. There's also no use in regretting life. Without my life being as it was I wouldn't have the thing I have to offer young women as an encouragement to them.

Many women have a long list of great pieces of advice to share. I love listening to those lists. Those lists help me to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. Every Christian woman that I meet in my travels I always ask for their lists in one way or another. I have a list! It is a long list. I have lots of things I want to share. But my list is a little different. My list is a list of What-Not-To-Do's. I didn't get much right in the early years of womanhood. (My definition of womanhood is 13 and up)

Recently I had an opportunity to speak on a panel to some young women or to who most would call teenagers. There we some questions that were already prepared and the young ladies also had opportunity to ask their own questions and I was thrilled to be able to share my story with them. One of the questions was "What would you do differently looking back or what advice could you give these ladies." This is my favourite question IN THE WORLD!

Here it is:

I would have made better relationships. I would have challenged the ones I was in. Here are the specific relationships I would have worked differently on. I'll give you a bit of history on each one without showing any disrespect to each.

My Mother
For anyone who knew me when I was a teenager you would know that this was a tough relationship. I was very hard on my mom. I was very rebellious. Maybe it was because of the knowledge of life that I lacked but even if my mother would have had a desire to share her life experience with me I would have rejected it in an instant. I did not desire this relationship at all. I pushed her out of my life and sought what I needed from her elsewhere; I sought it in a sexually immoral relationship, I sought it in another woman who could play the role of my mother, I sought it in every act of disobedience I could think of including piercings, coloured hair, bad words, cutting...It's a wonder that my mother even continued pursuing our relationship. I'm not sure she was ready for such a tough kid. I don't think she was prepared to guide me away from this path I put myself on.

Ruth and Naomi had a really interesting start to their relationship together. Naomi was a Godly woman. That's something we can clearly see. She knows the Lord. But something interesting struck me as I was preparing to speak to these ladies. Ruth seeks out her mother in-law. Naomi doesn't say "Your husband has died. This is a terrible time of life for you and I want to care for you. I want to teach you everything I know and comfort you." No! She says "Ruth, go home. Go back to your people." What does Ruth say next? She begs Naomi to let her come with her. Naomi, again, tells her to go home. But Ruth is persistent. She wants to go with the woman she knows will nurture her. Naomi may not have been prepared to nurture this young widow. She must not have felt adequate. But Ruth persisted until Naomi said yes. Then the rest of the book we see her care for her daughter. Teach her how to do things. Make wise decisions for her and with her.

If I could do things again I would be persistent. I would seek my mother out and ask her questions she didn't know. I would ask her to teach me things and we'd wrestle through my thoughts, ideas, and problems together. I would have given her opportunity to teach me and to train me and to learn how to raise a young woman.

My Church
The more I read scripture the more I understand how important it is to have elders in authority over me so I am not just a free spirit able to do anything at my whim. Over and over scripture tells us the roles of elders in a Church and the reason for that is so the body is growing and healthy. We as members should feel comfortable to ask elders questions we don't know the answers to. We should bring them issues that need to be dealt with like Christ lays out in Matt 18:15-17 and then they shouldn't be afraid to deal with them.

Looking back I should have asked the church elders hard questions that were on my mind like "Why is sex before marriage wrong?" or "help me with my relationship with my mother." or "I'm cutting myself and need to stop. Help me."  But on the other hand, while I was sinning, no one approached me about that. And that may be in part because of our society today that makes certain topics awkward to speak about.

My advice to young people is to talk with your elders and pastor. Ask them what their role as leaders are. Is it mainly to keep the church organized or is it also to Shepard the sheep and practice biblical church discipline as Christ outlines it? Believe it or not I crave discipline. When I do something wrong these days, my desire is that someone would tell me if I haven't realized it. Proverbs 10:17 says that is good.

If you who are reading are ever looking for a church or are in a church where your elders are not practicing biblical truths, seek a church that will nurture you in your walk with God. Meet with elders, email lists of questions. Be in a healthy place (Note that if you are in a church, SPEAK WITH YOUR ELDERS ABOUT THIS BEFORE CONSIDERING LEAVING BECAUSE EITHER WAY THEY LOVE YOU AND MAY JUST MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE OF YOUR COURAGE TO SPEAK)

An Older Woman
I did not have a mentor when I was young. I did not seek a mentor when I was young. The closest thing I had to a mentor was my husband's mother whose relationship I cherished very deeply. She comforted me in a very difficult time in life. She loved me and I let her love me like a mother. I am deeply grateful for her love, support, and comfort that she showed me. It wasn't a mentorship though and I don't think it would have been appropriate for her to have been my life mentor just as your own mother shouldn't be your mentor to a certain degree. Sometimes the problems are with your own mother therefor you need someone to mentor you and guide you in what to do about that.

I understood the biblical principle of mentorship when I moved to Oregon. My very good friend who was ahead of me in life, almost to a T, by about 15 years agreed to mentor me. I'd like to note that I asked her to mentor me. I didn't wait for her to ask. And guess what? She was thrilled to say yes. Evey Monday she would make me a cup of tea, send all the kids to her backyard to play and let me spill everything that was going on in life. She helped me to be who I am today through Christ. If I had known this was something I was supposed to have, I would have had it looooong before Oregon. I moved back to Canada and realized I couldn't email her every time I needed advice because it was different and difficult not to be able to pray and cry to her. I needed someone here that I could do that with. I do have a mentor here as well now and I love her to pieces. A relationship with an older woman in the faith is so important. She may not have all the answers but she will try to get them, or at least work through them with you. The bible tells older women to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children. Go figure, it doesn't happen naturally. And why does an older woman in the faith need to have this role? Because it probably took them a long time to learn how to love their husbands and children just right :)



Life has been tough. And life continues to be tough but tough is what makes life worthwhile. James spends his whole book talking about how struggles form who you are in Christ. And the more you struggle the more genuine your faith becomes.(1 Pet 1:6-7) But God puts specific relationships in our lives for a reason. I wish I had grabbed them a long time ago but I am making up for lost time now.