Hold Fast to Me

Content Disclaimer: Not for you yet children. I would rather tell you about it and skip some of the details. You can read this when you're older. 


 I am discovering more and more that when I write, it is first to glorify God and next for myself. Whoever happens to read upon my writings are simply the fruit of the work God is doing. I find myself writing when I've had a revelation of some kind or am passionate about something or something drastic happens that I need to work though by writing. If you are reading, you are just enjoying my working myself out.

I just reread exactly what I wrote in my last post knowing there would be some crazy parallels to this one. This is the continuation of that story of hope. If you have time read the last one again before reading this one.



Yesterday I experienced joy in a way I had no idea joy could be felt. I don't even know if by the end of this you will truly understand what I am feeling because I don't know if I am capable of writing it all down.

I was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning. 2 Actually. The first one wasn't equipped to take care of the massive amount of bleeding I was experiencing and the life saving procedures that, unaware, needed to follow. I lost consciousness several times as Dan drove as fast as he could through the snow drifts in the dark of night. He could only just barely reach 100km/hr as far as I could tell when I was awake.

Thinking back on that 20 minute drive I realise how selfish I have been. I have complained about him. I have been bitter toward him. I have been rejecting him for many years. (I'm sure most wouldn't notice and would not think twice at these things but in my heart I know I have felt them.) Dan, you are constantly my hero. Whether you feel it or not. Last night once again you put on your armour and fought for my life. I love you more than I can express right now. I love you 1000 times more than I did the day before and I am sorry for not edifying you the way you HEAP praise on me when I am completely unworthy of it. You are my man. You are the person I can count on. You will always hold my hand and you will never let me down. Please forgive me for the lack of love I have shown you.

Dan held my hand all the way demanding me to squeeze, shake or bounce it. I think I did a pretty good job. I woke up to the sound of him crying out to God telling Him not to take me. I must of stopped squeezing. He'd tell me to say something and I would repeat the same thing over and over and over again because he told me to. He carried me into the hospital. He told funny jokes...yes funny jokes, for the next many hours. He made so many people laugh. I haven't laughed this much in a very long time.

Dan didn't ride with me to the next hospital. I felt fine. I got the impression that everything was going to be fine because there wasn't a sense of urgency from the one hospital but I think my condition changed drastically as they rolled me into the ER. I was told later that they weren't prepared for what they had to deal with. I was told my lips went see through and my skin was white. My vains had all become flat. I had some very interesting procedures done such a drilling into my knee bone to get a direct IV in there, having a small catheter like tube inserted into the vain in my neck, having a blood transfusion, receiving a total 6 litres of fluid within about 2 hours

As I layed on the table with all of this happening I saw many people. I even chatted with some of them. One of the nurses has 4 children. Almost as many as me. And he was young too. Dan was in and out smiling when there was a space for him, making me laugh, wishing me a happy Valentines day. But through all the business there were moments of peace. I remember looking up at the ceiling thinking to my Lord I might see you today. And I would be very happy to see you.  I wasn't scared in the least. Then my worldly momma/wife instinct kicked in and I asked Jesus to leave me here for a while so they would be okay. And he did.

I went to have the operation done once my snake needle had been inserted into my neck. (I can't help but gross people out sometimes...sorry) I looked up at my favourite nurse who had been so nice and was joking with me while Dan couldn't I asked him if I almost died. He told me yes. My heart could have stopped at any time.

When I woke up from surgery which was about 5 minutes later (but actually more like an hour and a half) I heard the funniest beeping. It was my heart monitor. I started to cry. I looked sad but was overflowing with joy and happiness. I could hear the monitor rushing faster and faster so the nurse told me I needed to stop crying.

Since then, every so often I start to cry in between laughing with my husband because I am too overwhelmed to comprehend the Grace of God. I can't believe I am still here. I kept telling Dan life is going to be so different. And it is. How could it not. I was almost not here. My 5 children almost didn't have a momma and my husband who can't live without me would have had to.

Although what is waiting for us in Heaven is the prize, the fact that God spared my earthly life gives me such a deeper understanding of His salvation. It's tangible now. I comprehend first hand what it means for your life to be saved. But God can save anyones life. ANYONE. It doesn't have to be like this story. It most likely won't be. He saves people out of darkness. He makes it so that people don't have to sin. But if He doesn't save you, you won't be scooped up in his loving arms in the end. Cry out to him and ask him to save you. You'll never feel another embrace you like He does as long as you cling to him. As long as you hold fast to him. Let him care for you. Life won't be easy after accepting his embrace. It will still be hard. My family has lost a daughter/sister, have had 2 miscarriages, have almost been separated but despite all the crap that goes on in life there will be hope.  There will always be hope.